Amy,
It is possible to commit mortal sin when the matter falls short because the intent was to consent to it.
For example, if you thought you were going to kill somebody by running them over, but you only injured them, you would still be guilty of murder in the eyes of God anyway.
It seems like in your case the intent was, Okay whatever, I'm just going to commit a sacrilege and deal with it later., even though it turned out not to be. So, it technically could be mortal sin, but God may also mitigate your culpability due to a host of things that He already knows about you. I get the sense that he isn't taking great offense at this, and would like you to find better ways of handling your conscience.
For example, when you really ought to abstain, if you are embarrassed to not receive Communion in front of others, offer it up, or confide in someone (like your mom) and say,
- Do you think it would be okay if I abstain until after I go to Confession?
It's not super serious, but my conscience would feel better.
You don't have to discuss the matter in detail, and you can relieve the embarrassment by making the comment about the seriousness. It also relieves any worry she may have. Having someone share this decision can give you courage and not feel so alone.
In our parish, people can come forward and cross their arms for a blessing instead of receiving Communion when they are abstaining. It is commonplace so it is not awkward and it means the person doesn't have to sit in the pew with people climbing over them, drawing even more attention.
My biggest concern for you is that scrupulosity is preventing you from receiving Communion when you shouldn't worry. You worry far too much, too often, and you have to get past the notion that God is out to bust you at every turn.
I know you try to keep an objective hold on your conscience but the emphasis can quickly make Christianity simply about following rules. You need more focus on the relationship with God as Father and pray extemporaneous prayers as often as you can.
You are a great kid, and shouldn't have so many burdens.
Peace,
Bob Kirby
|