Bringing you the "Good News" of Jesus Christ and His Church While PROMOTING CATHOLIC Apologetic Support groups loyal to the Holy Father and Church's magisterium
Home About
AskACatholic.com		 What's New? Resources The Church Family Life Mass and
Adoration		 Ask A Catholic
Knowledge base
AskACatholic Disclaimer
Search the
AskACatholic Database
Donate and
Support our work
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
New Questions
Cool Catholic Videos
About Saints
Disciplines and Practices for distinct Church seasons
Purgatory and Indulgences
About the Holy Mass
About Mary
Searching and Confused
Contemplating becoming a Catholic or Coming home
Homosexual and Gender Issues
Life, Dating, and Family
back
No Salvation Outside the Church
Sacred Scripture
non-Catholic Cults
Justification and Salvation
The Pope and Papacy
The Sacraments
Relationships and Marriage situations
Specific people, organizations and events
Doctrine and Teachings
Specific Practices
Church Internals
Church History


Kathy wrote:

Hi, guys —

I have a question about family that I'm hoping you can help me with.

My husband and I have been married for a year and a half and we have a 2-month-old baby girl.
I'm ecstatic about the new addition to our family and have happily taken on my new role as mother with all its wonders and difficulties.

I understood that being ready for marriage also means being ready for children. We do practice  NFP  (Natural Family Planning), where there was always the possibility of becoming pregnant; which we did. I thought my husband understood this as well.

Now that she is here, my husband is jealous and resentful of our daughter. This is affecting my relationship with him because I go into protect mode when he gets mad at our daughter for crying (she's 2-months-old!; not old enough to cry for any reason). It's upsetting to me because
I thought he would be just as happy about our baby as I was.

While she was in utero, he was happy. He didn't have to deal with sleepless nights, the baby, or anything like that and he said he was looking forward to the baby.

Nevertheless, after she was born, his happiness has turned into resentment. Resentment of:

  • her taking time from me
  • him not being able to play games like he used to
  • us not being able to just go somewhere on a whim, and so on.

Now his idea of spending time with her is telling her to shut up while he tries to play games with one hand and hold her in the other. He'll try things with her once or twice and then after that,
he decides she just wants to scream and will just ignore her as she cries. I have to constantly remind him to check her diaper, to try and burp her, and so on.

It's very upsetting for me.

At our marriage, he said I do to being open to life and accepting the gift of children. He understands that children are gifts from God, and that God must be present for a child to be conceived and therefore He wanted us to have this child, but I don't think he was mature enough to accept marriage now that we have a child. He is too much like a child as it is.

  • What can I do to help deter this resentment?

It worries me. His father had the same attitude and just left him when he was seven months old, deciding he didn't want a child. He came back later, but his parents divorced. He and his father have very similar outlooks and personalities; something I didn't know until after we were married. I have only met his father three or four times in the four years we were dating. Now that we are married and have a child, I see it a lot more.

  • What can I do to keep my family together?

I'm afraid that if this jealousy and resentment continue, he's going to leave and I don't want that. I want to keep my family together, but his resentment of our daughter is tearing us apart.
It's wearing me out. I'm exhausted and in trying to keep both my husband and my baby happy,
I'm starting to see that I'm not happy.

I'm the one that gets up in the middle of the night to care for the baby because if he gets up,
I just end up with a screaming baby and an angry husband. Then I have to deal with both, at the same time. I get more sleep getting up twice at night than I do letting him get up just once for her.

I average about 3 1/2 hours of sleep a night because of this. I work a full time job, so whatever sleep I get between 9:00 pm and 5:30 am is all I get for the whole day. He works in the afternoon, so he gets a chance to sleep in if he's up late. I don't.

I need help because I can't depend on my husband for support and I shouldn't be taking sides between my husband and my child. She is a blessing, but my husband seems to see her as a curse.

  • Please, do you have any advice for me?

Thank you,

Kathy
  { What advice do you have to keep my family one and deter my husband's resentment of our child? }

Eric replied:

Hi, Kathy —

Wow; I am saddened to hear of what sounds like a difficult pastoral situation. I can see why you would be upset.

  • Have you spoken to your priest about it?

Eric

Kathy replied:

Hi Eric,

Unfortunately, I haven't had a chance to yet.

I was going to try to this week, but with Lent and everything, the priests are really busy right now. Trying to find some advice online is a lot easier to do for me.

Kathy

Eric replied:

Kathy,

Unfortunately, we aren't equipped to answer the more pastoral questions; we tend to focus on facts, Scripture, canon law, and so forth. This kind of question is not really in our charter;
it's a question best answered one-on-one by a priest or marriage counselor, anyway.

I'm tempted to make a number of comments but I think it would be out of place. I will just say that I think you're in a very, very serious situation and I really hope, for the sake of your child,
as someone with some experience with this, you will seek help from someone who can spend time with you or better (both of you) one-on-one.

I do not think you are in a good situation with your husband and I don't think online advice would be adequate. I'm sorry I can't offer more advice.

Eric

Kathy replied:


Actually, you have helped me some.

I spoke to one or two other people who pretty much told me this is normal and that I was overreacting. I didn't think I was and nor did I think it was a normal pattern of behavior for men.

I will try to contact my parish priest and see if he can squeeze me into his schedule.

Thank you for your time,

Kathy

Eric replied:

Kathy,

It's not what I regard as a pattern for healthy, well-adjusted, loving men. Perhaps in some cultures it's typical, even expected, but a baby and father must bond in a meaningful way early on or it will introduce dysfunction.

In any case, jealousy is inappropriate; you are the baby's mother. Of course you're going to dote on her and spend a lot of time with her. Unlike your husband, your daughter is helpless and needs constant attention.

Your husband needs to wake up and realize this.

Eric
Please report any and all typos or grammatical errors.
Suggestions for this web page and the web site can be sent to Mike Humphrey
© 2012 Panoramic Sites
The Early Church Fathers Church Fathers on the Primacy of Peter. The Early Church Fathers on the Catholic Church and the term Catholic. The Early Church Fathers on the importance of the Roman Catholic Church centered in Rome.