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Laura
Coutinho
wrote:
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Hi, this is Laura. (Rob's daughter)
I planned to ask Dad, but I was also curious what others thought of this situation.
I have a friend at college who has been verbally and physically abused by her
Mom for years. Sometimes she fights back and gets in arguments with her.
Someone
told her last weekend, after a heated argument, that she was sinning by arguing with
her. Now my friend is upset. She feels that she is a sinner
because she refuses to let her Mom call her worthless and dumb when she knows that
she isn't worthless or dumb.
She isn't even sure if she has the
right to disagree with her Mom's opinion of her,
since dishonoring her might fall under the fourth commandment.
- What should I tell my friend?
- Is it a sin to talk back to your mother
when she is being abusive?
Laura
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{
Is my friend breaking the Fourth Commandment to honor her mother when the mother is abusive? }
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Mike replied:
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Hi Laura,
I recommend you print this out for her.
You said:
Someone
told her last weekend, after a heated argument, that she was sinning by arguing with
her. Now my friend is upset. She feels that she is a sinner
because she refuses to let her Mom call her worthless and dumb when she knows that
she isn't worthless or dumb.
A few things should be emphasized and your friend should be
made aware of:
Obeying the fourth commandment assumes that the parents
are exercising their parental duties responsibly. It says
so right in the Catechism of the Catholic Church.
If your friend has been physically and verbally abused by her mother, then
her mother is not obeying the fourth commandment.
The Church teaches in the Catechism that certain parental obligations are
presupposed.
It is the duty of all Christian parents to bring their children up in a
loving, understanding, prayerful, Christian environment. Parents should
strive to be a model of Christ for their children, so when they grow up,
their children will be a model of Christ for their children and the world.
There is
no room for physical or verbal abuse of any kind in a Christian home.
From the Catechism:
2199 The fourth commandment is addressed expressly to children in their
relationship to their father and mother, because this relationship is
the most universal. It likewise concerns the ties of kinship between
members of the extended family. It requires honor, affection, and gratitude
toward elders and ancestors. Finally, it extends to the duties of pupils
to teachers, employees to employers, subordinates to leaders, citizens
to their country, and to those who administer or govern it.
This commandment includes and presupposes the duties of parents,
instructors, teachers, leaders, magistrates, those who govern, all who
exercise authority over others or over a community of persons. |
- A balanced, well-tempered [verbal and/or physical] discipline, when needed, Yes.
A physical or verbal abuse, No.
One proverb, my father always taught us was:
"A [right|privilege] always
takes on a responsibility."
The choice to make a life-long loving relationship with a spouse that manifests
itself in children, does not give any parent the right to physically or
verbally abuse their children. With the choice of being a Christian parent
goes the responsibility of bringing your children up with Christian values;
especially with a life of Christian prayer at the center.
The Catechism spells out the proper family environment as follows:
Note
especially paragraph 2206.
The Christian family
2204 "The Christian family constitutes a specific revelation and
realization of ecclesial communion, and for this reason it can and should
be called a domestic church." (Familiaris Consortio 21; cf. Vatican II, Lumen Gentium 11) It is a community of faith, hope,
and charity; it assumes singular importance in the Church, as is evident
in the New Testament. (cf. Ephesians 5:21b: 4; Colossians 3:18-21; 1 Peter 3:1-7)
2205 The Christian family is a communion of persons, a sign and image
of the communion of the Father and the Son in the Holy Spirit. In the
procreation and education of children it reflects the Father's work of
creation. It is called to partake of the prayer and sacrifice of Christ.
Daily prayer and the reading of the Word of God strengthen it in charity.
The Christian family has an evangelizing and missionary task.
2206 The relationships within the family bring an affinity of feelings,
affections
and interests, arising above all from the members'
respect for one another. The family is a privileged community
called to achieve a "sharing of thought and common deliberation
by the spouses as well as their eager cooperation as parents in the children's
upbringing." |
In no way do I mean to take away the proper rights that the Church gives to,
and responsibilities it expects from, the parents to raise their children
appropriately, but when these privileges have been abused, as they appear to have been
in the case of your friend; she should probably talk to another family
member or relative she can trust; especially if the physical [and/or]
verbal abuse is severe.
Her mother has no right to call her any type of abusive name with the intent
to hurt.
You said:
- What else should I tell my friend?
- that her refusal to let her Mom call her worthless and dumb is the
love of God manifested for her in her own heart.
- she and all teenagers should remember that they were created by God and their
parents for a specific purpose in life, and finally,
- as each one grows and matures, no matter what trials or struggles
they have, God loves them enormously, all the time — Yes, even when we
are sinning, He still loves us.
As my previous pastor Fr. Dan told us, He is madly in love with us, so much so He doesn't want to see us stay in that state where we are consciously or unconsciously hurting our souls.
I'm only commenting as a single person; I would be interested in what
my married colleagues have to say on this question.
Hope this helps,
Mike
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Mary Ann replied:
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Laura,
Mike's answer was true, but there is one other consideration.
Your friend may disagree, and ought to disagree with her Mom's opinion
of her as worthless and dumb — that is not dishonoring her mother. Talking
back rudely is not a good thing.
It sounds as if your friend (as is natural)
is threatened by her mom's opinion and deep down believes it may be true.
Which would also be a natural consequence of being raised like that, and
would also explain why she so easily believed the negative evaluation of
the busybody who told her she was not honoring her mother.
If your friend could root herself in God's love and peace, her mom's rants
would not affect her peace, and she would be able to smile and say,
"Now,
mom, that's enough of that silliness."
and her mom's words would be
like water off a duck's back. She could practice this sort of behavior
even though she doesn't feel it, because practicing it is an exercise of
faith in God and an exercise in withstanding the assaults of the evil one
through the weaknesses of others.
Mary Ann
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Laura replied:
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Thanks Mike, (and Mary Ann)!
I printed your reply out, and she feels so much better about the situation.
Thanks for your help. Dad said to say Hi by the way.
I will come back if I have more questions. Your advice was really helpful.
I know you and Dad often get into such heated debates where you end up mad
at each other, but personally, I like both your guys views on topics. That's
why I asked for both your opinions on this.
Hope you're doing well.
Laura
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Mike replied:
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Hi Laura,
From my view, debate, even if it is heated, can always be a healthy exchange because
it sharpens the mind.
The key is keeping a mutual respect for the person you are debating.
Like I told my Baptist friend:
Friends can agree to agree and agree to disagree and still
be good friends.
It is despite their religious differences that friends of different faiths
can remain friends.
Take care,
Tell Dad I miss yelling at him. LOL
Tell Mom, Mike says Hi too!
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