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Joyce
A. Williams
wrote:
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Hi, guys —
I don't know if these are really questions about apologetics, yet they are about
marriage and what the Church teaches.
- Is it morally wrong for someone to date a
man who has not had an annulment?
- Is he still married, and is he committing
adultery in some sense, even if not being sexual . . . yet
maybe kissing and hugging?
- Is it morally wrong for a woman to date such
a man?
- Could a woman in such a relationship also
be accountable because she may be leading the
man into sin?
- If I am in the presence of such people, is
it my obligation to speak up about the matter?
Thank You!
I would appreciate some kind of answer, or maybe
you can lead me to someone from whom I can get
the information I am seeking.
God Bless You All!
Joyce
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{
Should I be dating someone who has not had an annulment or is waiting for annulment results? }
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Eric replied:
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Hi Joyce,
Thanks for e-mailing us.
Actually I'd make a distinction.
- If the person is still married and living with their spouse, with
no agreement to divorce, then I would argue such an arrangement is sinful.
- If the person is separated and divorce has been filed for, that is
a really bad idea, but not necessarily sinful.
- If the divorce has been granted and an annulment has been filed for,
although not as serious, it is still a bad idea. What if they become
attached and the annulment is not granted?
I'd definitely press the issue in the first case, and would try to in
the second case, but I probably wouldn't worry too much about the third
case.
That being said, this is not really a formally defined position of the
Church, but an informed moral judgment based on sound reasoning.
Eric
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Joyce replied:
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Eric,
Thank you for your quick reply.
I'm still contemplating your answer, especially
that I shouldn't worry about the third distinction. That one (where
the annulment does not go through) has me even more worried because
each has a child from previous out-of-wedlock relationships.
I know that prayer is my best source, but I thank you for helping me very
much!!
Joyce
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Kathleen replied:
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Hi, Joyce —
The sinfulness of these situations is completely unknown.
Until a Decree of Nullity is formally issued, the parties do not know whether they are living in sin and dating should not be toyed with. The only exception to that might be a Defect of Form situation. You just do not know what the outcome of an annulment will be until it is stated in the Decree, so one does not know if their behavior is sinful or not, until a Decree is issued. It's playing with fire up until that point.
As for a civil divorce, it has no bearing on the outcome of an annulment. The only reason the Church requires a divorce before an annulment is to settle the civil issues first, then to address the Sacramental issues.
Kathleen
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Eric followed-up:
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I spoke to a priest-friend about this.
The issue here is one of degrees. We all agree, as the Church teaches, that the faith is clear that committing adultery would be wrong and sinful, as would committing "adultery in the heart".
When I talk about dating I'm speaking in the Christian sense of getting to know someone with the intent of discerning marriage, not in the worldly sense that would qualify as adultery. My use of the term dating has not, to my knowledge, been addressed by the Magisterium, but because of its relationship to adultery, we can classify it as an occasion of sin oriented toward adultery.
In other words, it is not intrinsically sinful, but it is wrong (at least in a prudential sense) because it is:
- inappropriate
- imprudent, and
- an occasion of sin.
Really, there are more issues here than whether it is sinful or not.
Like my priest-friend said:
- Dating when you have an annulment is like nitroglycerin, just because it doesn't technically qualify as adultery, doesn't mean it should be done.
So I would nuance my original answer by clarifying that by dating I totally exclude sexual activity, and warn about the many possible occasions of sin.
Eric
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Fr. Jonathan replied:
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Hi, Joyce —
I would simply remind that all of us are called to chastity. Whether we are married, divorced, or single. You can read about the various forms of chastity in the Catechism beginning at 2348. Someone in this position is called to chastity in continence.
If the couple is truly living chastely then dating a divorced person prior to the completion of the annulment is acceptable.
Fr. Jonathan
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