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Unsure Ursula
wrote:
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Dear Mike,
After years and years of turmoil, (I'm a 22-year-old woman), I am finally
becoming a Catholic.
I want to know what's the right thing to
do in this situation:
I have been best friends with this girl for about 10 years.
Then one day through a falling out, (that's a whole other story),
we decided it would be best not to be friends anymore so I,
kind of, erased her from my mind.
Fast forward a couple months.
I ran into her high school boyfriend. I ended up having
a sexual
relationship with
him for about two months before I called it quits.
Before
you go jumping to any conclusions let me explain further:
I had an accident which caused me to lose a lot of my memory
and put me in a state where people could take advantage of
me quite easily. I was not all there. I still knew what was
right and wrong but I was not in the place I am
today where I am a strong person, able to make wise, or shall
I say, the
right choices.
I am beginning to understand and get the faith. Now it's
turned out that I am becoming good friends with her again.
Which leads me to my question. |
- Should I tell her about my so called relationship with
her ex-boyfriend?
In my defense:
- I was not all there. Literally, I had brain damage so he was able
to take advantage of the situation. It's still not a good excuse
but an excuse nonetheless.
- She had moved on completely and had already dated about
three guys when this happened and hadn't had a relationship
with him in about three years.
- She now has a serious boyfriend who she could likely marry.
The bottom line is that I don't know what to do. I want to do the right
thing, but she does not have the faith, at all, and does not
understand anything about Catholicism. I really don't want to
tell her because it will hurt her and she won't be my friend
anymore. (A pretty selfish reason.)
- What would you recommend I do?
- When I finally
become a true Catholic, can go to Confession and tell my sin
to a priest . . . along with the many other sins?
I now know the importance of waiting until marriage for sex and I'm going to
try to stay away from having sex before I get married.
I am trying to become of a woman of God, practice
what I preach, and so forth.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you for reading my e-mail.
Ursula
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Being good friends again, should I tell her about a sexual relationship I had with her ex-boyfriend? }
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Mike replied:
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Hi Ursula,
If you are becoming good friends with her again and value
her friendship, I would do two things:
- I would pray the Rosary I sent you, and
- be honest with her and tell her about what happened from your view
point.
I know you probably don't want to hear this, but in my opinion, it's best.
First, if and when the topic arises, you don't know what her previous
high school boyfriend will say about that situation.
If you address the situation first, she may get mad or upset with you,
but afterward I think she will appreciate your honesty and character
for addressing the issue first; an issue, you really didn't have to bring
up.
No true friendship can be built on secrets.
I would mention
this last statement to your friend when explaining what
happened. If you value her friendship, you want a true
friendship with no secrets.
Because she does not have the faith at all, this could be
a good opportunity to show her what being a woman of character and a woman
of God is about.
Just my two cents.
Take care,
Mike
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Mary Ann replied:
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Ursula,
Thank you for sharing this situation.
You are quite right to think that your guilt is lessened by you mental
problems at the time. You may not be guilty at all — your conscience can
tell you that, not me. Of course, it was objectively wrong, but you may
not be subjectively guilty of serious sin. Nevertheless, I know that is
not your concern.
As for your friend —
- Why would you even want to tell her?
Once you are
good friends again, you may know better if there is any reason to tell
her. We are under no moral obligation to share our faults, and no obligation
to unnecessarily hurt another person. Telling her may cause her pain, and
may not. It may damage your relationship, it may not.
You have no moral
obligation to tell her, if that is what you are concerned about. A counselor
could advise you better on the human side of things, but morally, religiously,
no, you don't need to.
I wish you the very best, and I can see you are trying to be woman of
God.
Mary Ann
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