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Richard C. Wilson wrote:

Hello and thanks for taking my question,

I'm a 57-year-old male convert to the Church, living in the U.S. My previous marriage was divorced and annulled. I am the only Catholic in my family; my mother and eight brothers and sisters are all Lutheran and rarely go to church at all.

My niece had a child out of wedlock and for the past three years has been cohabitating with the father. Both my niece and her boyfriend have a Lutheran background, though they rarely attend church.

I am about to receive an invitation to their wedding in the Lutheran church on the 30th of May.
If there has been any repentance in regard to their living together, I am totally unaware of it. As far as I know, they will live together . . . right up until the marriage. It will be a big wedding in the Lutheran church that I grew up in. I seriously doubt that they are even attending church at this point. As far as I know, the baby has never been baptized.

I feel that it would be inappropriate for me to attend the wedding. To me, the ceremony would bring scandal to the Sacrament of Matrimony. My questions are:

  • Am I correct in not attending?
  • Also, is it OK, if I just decline to attend without giving a reason?

Believe me, my Lutheran family will not begin to understand why I would object to being at this wedding and they will probably be angry with me for a long time. I'm willing to accept their anger (particularly my sister's, the mother of the bride) if that's the right thing to do.

I'd appreciate your guidance on this situation.

All the best . . . in Christ,

Rich
"He said to them, 'But who do you say that I am?' Simon Peter replied, 'You are the Christ, the Son of the living God' And Jesus answered him, 'Blessed are you Simon Bar-Jona! For flesh and blood has not revealed this to you, but my Father who is in heaven. And I tell you, you are Peter, and on this rock, I will build my church and the powers of death shall not prevail against it."

  { If I know they have had a child out of wedlock and are cohabitating, should I go to the wedding? }

Mary Ann replied:

Hi, Rich —

You said:
To me, the ceremony would bring scandal to the Sacrament of Matrimony. My questions are:

  • Am I correct in not attending?

One cannot scandalize a sacrament, only a person. To give scandal means to lead someone to do evil. Obviously your niece and her boyfriend are on the road to doing good. It is not bad for them to marry.

As to their repentance, that is not for us to judge nor even to speculate about. Their minister will counsel them according to the dictates of their denomination, and the couple and the minister are the ones that know what is going on with themselves and the baby.

We should rejoice that they are marrying. Even were this was a Catholic couple that was cohabiting until marriage, the invitees shouldn't speculate about the morality of the situation because it may well have been resolved privately (many couples in this situation live together in celibacy until marriage, if separating is economically impossible or if the needs of children require both parents in the house). If you are very close to your niece, you may certainly express your joy at the couple's rectifying their situation.

In summary, there is no reason for you not to attend their wedding. It is not right for one to judge another's internal moral state and, objectively, there is nothing wrong with their marrying.

Whether or not they repent or live in chastity is for their minister or for someone very close to them to speak to them about.

  • It may be that they have no guilt because they are completely unaware of the sinfulness of fornication.
  • It may be that they have married civilly without anyone's knowledge.
  • It may be that they have considered themselves to be married in common law.

Mary Ann
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