January 1999 Postings

From John DiMascio:

Three churches - Baptist, Methodist, and Presbyterian - worked together to sponsor a community-wide revival. After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another.

The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained 4 new families."

The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained 6 new families."

The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!"

From Anonymous:

What is the difference between a Jehovah's Witness and a Chevy truck?

You can shut the door on the Jehovah's Witness.

From Eric Ewanco:

Karl Rahner, Hans Kung and Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger all die on the same day, and go to meet St. Peter to know their fate.

St. Peter approaches the three of them, and tells them that he will interview each of them to discuss their views on various issues.

He then points at Rahner and says "Karl! In my office..." After 4 hours, the door opens, and Rahner comes stumbling out of St. Peter's office. He is highly distraught, and is mumbling things like "Oh God, that was the hardest thing I've ever done! How could I have been so wrong! So sorry...never knew..." He stumbles off into Heaven, a testament to the mercy of Our God.

St. Peter follows him out, and sticks his finger in Kung's direction and "Hans! You're next..." After 8 hours, the door opens, and Kung comes out, barely able to stand. He is near collapse with weakness and a crushed spirit. He , too, is mumbling things like "Oh God, that was the hardest thing I've ever done! How could I have been so wrong! So sorry...never knew..." He stumbles off into Heaven, a testament to the mercy of Our God.

Lastly, St. Peter, emerging from his office, says to Cardinal Ratzinger, "Joseph, your turn." TWELVE HOURS LATER, St. Peter stumbles out the door, apparently exhausted, saying "Oh God, that's the hardest thing I've ever done..."

From John DiMascio:

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark," said the Lord. And in a flash of lightning He delivered the specifications for an Ark.

"OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

"Six months, and it starts to rain" thundered the Lord. "You'd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."

And six months passed.

The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark.

"Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah, for emphasis.

"Lord, please forgive me," begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet Code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

"Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince Fish & Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the Owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So no owls. Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we got 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls.

"Then I started gathering up the animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed Flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. The Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.

"Right now I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire, the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax.

"I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked, hopefully.

"Wrong!" thundered the Lord. "I fully intend to smite the Earth, but with something far worse than a Flood. Something Man invented himself."

"What's that?" asked Noah.

And the Lord said, "Let there be Government!"

From John DiMascio:

A college student was in a philosophy class, which had a discussion about God's existence. The professor presented the following logic:

"Has anyone in this class heard God?" Nobody spoke.

"Has anyone in this class touched God?" Again, nobody spoke.

"Has anyone in this class seen God?" When nobody spoke for the third time, he simply stated, "Then there is no God."

One student thought for a second, and then asked for permission to reply.

Curious to hear this bold student's response, the professor granted it, and the student stood up and asked the following questions of his classmates:

"Has anyone in this class heard our professor's brain?" Silence.

"Has anyone in this class touched our professor's brain?" Absolute silence.

"Has anyone in this class seen our professor's brain?" When nobody in the class dared to speak, the student concluded, "Then, according to our professor's logic, it must be true that our professor has no brain!"

(...The student received an "A" in the class.)

From Charlie Toye:

Clinton died and went to heaven--or to be more accurate--approached the Pearly Gates. After knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared.

"Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter.

"It's me, Bill Clinton."

"And what to you want?" asked St. Peter.

"Let me in!" replied Clinton.

"Soooo," pondered Peter. "What bad things did you do on earth?"

Clinton thought a bit and answered.

"Well, I smoked marijuana but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale."

I guess I had extra-marital sex--but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't really have 'sexual relations'.

And I lied under oath, but I didn't commit perjury."

After several moments of deliberation, St. Peter replied.

"OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell'.

You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity'.

And don't abandon all hope upon entering; just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."

From Patrick Skees:

The following announcements actually appeared in various church bulletins:

1. Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
   
   
2. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
   
   
3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
   
   
4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
   
   
5. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
   
   
6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
   
   
7. Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study.
   
   
8. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
   
   
9. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
   
   
10. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.
    
    
11. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
    
    
12. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
    
    
13. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

From Gary Hollack:

There has long been a rumor that W. R. Grace Co. was going to buy the Fuller Brush Co. and Mary Kay Cosmetics and then merge with the Hale Business Systems. This would result in the new mega-corporate entity known as ... "Hale Mary Fuller Grace.":

From Eric Ewanco:

Abraham wanted to upgrade his PC to Windows 95. His son Isaac, was horrified, and exclaimed: "Pop, you can't run Windows 95 on your ancient 386. Everyone knows you need a fast 486 with a least 16 megabytes of memory for that! What are you thinking???

But Abraham, a man of faith, gazed calmly at Isaac and said, "Do not worry, my son, God will provide the RAM .

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August 2000 Posting

 From Rob Coutinho:

GOD'S CREATION

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the Kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.  Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

From John DiMascio:

A jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son had turned out, and went to see his rabbi about it.  "I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah,
cost me a fortune to educate him, and last week he tells me he has decided to become Christian.  Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"  "Funny you should come to me," said the rabbi
"I too brought my son up in the faith, put him through university, cost me a fortune.  Then one day he tells me he's becoming a Christian.  "what did you do?" asked the lawyer
"I turned to God for the answer" replied the Rabbi.  "What did He say?" asked the lawyer
The Rabbi replied " HE said, funny you should ask me......"

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to the Seattle airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer.

From JS Metes from Singapore:

Al Gore's Faith

Have any of you heard how Al Gore lives a Christ-centered life?

He gave a big speech this week in his race for the Presidency about
how his faith is "so important"  to him.

Well, the funny part is, he said his favorite Bible verse is
"John 16:3."

Of course, the speech writer meant "3:16." but neither the
speech-writer nor Al Gore were obviously familiar enough to
catch the error.

Well... John 16:3 reads:

"And they will do this because they have not known the Father or me."

From John DiMascio:

Three army chaplains - an Roman Catholic priest, a Baptist pastor and a Rabbi - were
each given a new jeep.  The priest anointed his jeep immediately with holy oil.  The pastor drove his jeep into a nearby stream for total immersion.

The rabbi, not to be outdone, cut two inches off his jeep's exhaust pipe.

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2003 Postings

From Kenneth Myers

It happened one day that a brand new priest was asked by the family to make a sick call at the hospital bedside of a dying man. This individual was a well known enemy of the Faith, having long and loudly resisted the call to conversion. The priest, forgetting the Holy Spirit, was sure that his eloquence and presence alone would bring the patient to a complete change of heart, so he confidently walked right up to the man's bed and began preaching.

The initial furious expression on the face of the patient was not surprising. But it soon gave way to serious concern and then growing panic. He was waving his arms and gesturing imploringly toward the priest. The priest, who noticed these changes with some pride, continued his sermon without pause. By now, the poor man, uttering a strangled cry, scribbled something on a piece of paper and died.

Well, now, thought the priest, I really am a gifted speaker, what a dramatic and sudden deathbed conversion!

Then he read the note: You are standing on my oxygen line.

From Eric Ewanco

A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denomination?"

The woman says, "Has it really come to this?

Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Protestants, and 32 Baptists."

A helpless man, wearing a New York Yankee's jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark. As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three men wearing Boston Red Sox jerseys aboard. One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side. The other two reached out and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious Yankee fan from the water. Then using (autographed Nomar) baseball bats, the three heroes in red beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat also.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you my papal blessing for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there was some bitter hatred between Red Sox and Yankee fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not the truth."

As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies "Who was that?" "It was the Pope," one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."

"Well," the harpooner said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about shark fishing .... how's the bait holding up?"

There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Secola Antonio, whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways.

In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Secola was born in Italy.

Faithfully they attended parochial school from kindergarten through senior year in high school.

They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college and, upon graduation became priests.

Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Secola was just a cut above Timothy in all respects.

Their rise through the ranks of bishop, archbishop and finally cardinal was meteoric to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would either be one of the two who would become the next pope.

In time the pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work.

In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen. The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular were surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected pope!

Secola Antonio was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy's gifts, Secola knew he was the better qualified.

With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?"

After a long silence, an old cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply.
"We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called "Pope Secola.."

From John F. Griffin:

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before.

Because both had jobs they found it difficult to coordinate their travel schedules, so it was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day.

Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. In his room there was a computer so he decided to send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left out one letter in e-mail address, and sent the e-mail, without realizing his error.

In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. The dearly departed was a parish deacon who had passed away following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived

You're probably surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine.

P. S. Sure is hot down her

From John DiMascio:

The Pope was visiting Washington, D.C., and President Bush took him out for an afternoon on the Potomac, sailing on the Presidential yacht, the Sequoia.

They were admiring the sights when, all of a sudden, the Pope's hat (zucchetto) blew off his head and out into the water. The Secret Service guys started to launch a boat, but President Bush waved them off, saying,

"Wait, wait. I'll take care of this. Don't worry."

Bush then stepped off the yacht onto the surface of the water and walked out to the Holy Father's little hat, bent over and picked it up, then walked back to the yacht and climbed aboard.

He then handed the zucchetto to the Pope amid stunned silence.

The next morning, the Headlines in New York Times, Boston Globe, L.A. Times, Buffalo News, Milwaukee Sentinel-Journal, Minneapolis Tribune, Washington Post, Denver Post, Albuquerque Journal, Los Angeles Times, San Francisco Chronicle and Salamanca Press proclaim:

"Bush Can't Swim."

From Mary Curran:

The Best Way to Pray

A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

"Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said.

"No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."

"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor."

The repairman could not contain himself any longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted, "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."

From Ron and Gerrie Goguen:

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters.

These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
   
2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING Conference:
   "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."
   
3. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
   
4. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
   
5. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to conflict.
   
6. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
   
7. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
   
8. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
   
9. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
   
10. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
    
11. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
    
12. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
    
13. During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when I.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
    
14. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."
    
15. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
    
16. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
    
17. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
    
18. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
    
19. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
    
20. The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 PM Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
    
21. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
    
22. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
    
23. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
    
24. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M. - prayer and medication to follow.
    
25. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
    
26. This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
    
27. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the BS is done. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
    
28. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
    
29. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
    
30. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
    
31. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday
    "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
    
32. Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."

August 2004 Postings

From Ron and Gerrie Goguen

John Kerry's campaign manager made a visit to the Cardinal and said to him, "We've been getting a lot of bad publicity among Catholics because of Kerry's position on abortion and the like. We'd gladly make a
contribution to the church of $100,000 if during your sermon you'd say John Kerry is a saint."

The Cardinal thinks it over for a moment and agrees to do it. Kerry shows up, and as the Mass progresses the Cardinal begins his homily, during which he says:

"John Kerry is petty, a self absorbed hypocrite and a nit-wit. He is a liar, a cheat, and a thief. He is the worst example of a Catholic I've ever personally known. But compared to Ted Kennedy, John Kerry is a saint."

---

Are You A John Kerry Fan?

A teacher in a small Vermont town asked her class how many of them are John Kerry fans. Not really knowing what a John Kerry fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy.

Johnny said, "I'm not a John Kerry fan."

The teacher said, "Why aren't you a John Kerry fan, Johnny?"

Johnny said, "I'm a George Bush fan."

The teacher asked, "Why are you a George Bush fan Johnny?"

The boy said, "Well, my mom's a George Bush fan and my dad's a George Bush Fan, so I'm a George Bush fan!"

The teacher got a little angry at this, seeing that this was Vermont, so she asked,

"What if your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

Johnny said, "That would make me a John Kerry fan!"

John Kerry meets with the Queen of England.

He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government?

Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Kerry frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."

The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?" Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"

The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.

Kerry goes back home to ask John Edwards, his vice presidential choice the same question.

"John. Answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child.

It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says John Edwards. "Let me get back to you on that one."

Edwards goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.

Edwards shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me?

Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"

Edwards smiles, and says, "Thanks!" Then, Edwards goes back to speak with Kerry. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle.

It's Colin Powell."

Kerry gets up, stomps over to John Edwards, and angrily yells into his face,

"No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

Catholic humor home page

2005 Postings

From Fr. Khoa:

A priest stood at the church door greeting the parishioners after Mass. "Good morning, Mr. and Mrs. O'Riley. I married you ten years ago but still you have no children?

"Indeed you did, father. We've not been blessed. My husband and I have tried but we've not been successful", said Mrs. O'Riley.

Father replied: "I'm going to Rome for a few years sabbatical. I'll light a candle for you in the great cathedral at the Vatican . Perhaps the Holy Mother will look kindly on you and your husband."

Several years later, back at the church door, greeting parishioners, the priest meets Mrs. O'Riley :

"Mrs. O'Riley, did you ever have any children?"

 From Jeffrey Beck:

An old priest was dying. He sent a message for an IRS agent and his Lawyer to come to the Rectory. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom.

As they entered the room, the priest held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The priest grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old priest would ask them to be with him during his final moment.

They were also puzzled because the priest had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.

Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Father, why did you ask the two of us to come?"

The old guy mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too.

From Joshua Hancock:

A Sunday school teacher asked her class:

"To start let's talk about what we already know about God."

Little Susie spoke up and said "I know, he does Art"

"Oh really" said the teacher. "How do you know?"

Little Susie replied, because we say, "Our Father who does art in heaven..."

I need more Catholic humor guys! Send them into me today. It's got to be funny though!

Catholic humor home page

2009 Postings

From John DiMascio:

Jesus and the Democrat

A Republican in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, 'Is that Jesus sitting over there?'

The waitress nodded 'yes,' so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.

The next patron to come in was a Libertarian with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, 'Is that Jesus over there?' The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, 'My treat.'

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, 'Hey there, honey! How's about getting' me a cold glass of Miller Light?' He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, 'Is that God's boy over there?' The waitress once more nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold glass of beer. 'On my bill,' he said.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, 'For your kindness, you are healed.' The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus also passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, 'For your kindness, you are healed.' The Libertarian felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Democrat. The Democrat jumped up and yelled, 'Don't touch me . . . I'm collecting disability.'

From Eric Ewanco:

I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"

Again, the answer was, "NO!"

By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again.

Again, they all answered, "NO!"

I was just bursting with pride for them.

Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out,

"YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."

From John DiMascio

JOHN MADDENS HOTLINE TO GOD

John Madden was in Buffalo to announce a football game one weekend when he noticed a special telephone near the Bills bench.

He asked Drew Bledsoe what it was used for and was told it was a hotline to God.
John asked if he could use it. Drew told him, "Sure, but it will cost you $200."

John scratched his head, then thought, what the heck, I could use some help picking games.

He pulled out his wallet and paid $200. John's picks were perfect that week.

The next week John was in Indianapolis when he noticed that same kind of phone on the Colts bench.

He asked what the telephone was for and Peyton Manning told him, "It's a hotline to God. If you want to use it, it will cost you $500."

Recalling last week, John pulled out his wallet and made the call.  John's picks were perfect again that week.

The next weekend John was in Foxboro at Gillette Stadium when he noticed the same kind of telephone by the Patriots bench.

He asked Tom Brady, "Is that the hotline to God?"

Tom said, "Yes, and if you want to use it, it will cost you 35 cents."

John looked incredulously at Brady and said, "Wait a second, I just paid $200 in Buffalo and $500 in Indianapolis to use the same phone to God!

Why do the Patriots only charge 35 cents?"

Tom looked at John and replied,

"Because in New England, it's a local call."

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2017 Postings

From Terry Svik:

An elderly priest in a country parish knew his old wooden church needed a paint job really bad. But there was so little money in the church coffers.

Knowing he couldn't delay it any longer he took what little money there was and bought some latex paint. Since there was no funds to hire a painter he decided to do it himself. After painting half the church he could see he was not going to have enough paint to finish the job so he thinned the paint with water and continued. After a while it became apparent he still would not have enough so he thinned it some more. This occurred a third time until he was finally finished.

Shortly after he finished a rainstorm came up and washed all the paint off. Distraught, he went into the church, knelt down and prayed,

"Lord, Lord, what am I going to do now?"

A voice boomed down from the rafters,

"Repaint, repaint, and thin no more."

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