Hi Liz,
Thanks for your question. Sorry for the delay in getting back
to you.
You said:
I am a Catholic with scruples — especially on how I dress and it is
terrible. I have asked for help among my friends but they
have different opinions. This
issue has paralyzed me for weeks.
Please confirm that my view
is correct.
I don't think you're being scrupulous at all. I think your conscience
is trying to tell you something. Deep down inside, you know you are being
immodest, but another part of you I think is defiant.
I can hear the defiance
in part of your e-mail:
I believe I can model
any piece of clothing in the above examples. Wear whatever, whenever, and wherever — in Church or a different
country — even if it is advised not to — and am fine if I am
not intentionally trying to hurt God.
Intentionally offending God is not the definition of sin. We cannot intend
to offend God and still sin. In fact, we usually don't intend to offend
God when we sin, if by that you mean open, in-your-face rebellion. It's
often more subtle than that; typically we are too focused on ourselves
to care about offending God.
But let me explain why immodesty — dressing in short skirts and halter
tops and tight clothes and what have you — is wrong.
First of all, you
say,
Isn't it someone's fault if they cannot control themselves. It has nothing to do with temptation.
But this is not what
Scripture says, St. Paul in 1 Corinthians 8:9-13 says:
"9 Be careful, however, that the exercise of your freedom does not
become a stumbling block to the weak. 10 For if anyone with a weak conscience
sees you who have this knowledge eating in an idol's temple, won't he
be emboldened to eat what has been sacrificed to idols? 11 So this weak
brother, for whom Christ died, is destroyed by your knowledge. 12 When
you sin against your brothers in this way and wound their weak conscience,
you sin against Christ. 13 Therefore, if what I eat causes my brother
to fall into sin, I will never eat meat again, so that I will not cause
him to fall."
St. Paul is talking about the issue of eating meat sacrificed to idols
and whether it should be done. Fundamentally, he says that there is nothing
wrong with it since idols are nothing but he says, if eating it causes
a brother to sin, then it becomes a sin. If you dress provocatively and
make it difficult for a man to control his lust, you have sinned against
him.
It's important to keep in mind that it is difficult for women
to appreciate the impact their bare bodies have on men. Men and woman are
wired differently; men are much more visual than women. A woman can be
completely oblivious to the effect she has on men. It's an effect that is very
hard for men to control. By revealing yourself in such a way, you are in
the very least distracting men; the ones who want to be chaste will struggle
to control their eyes and thoughts as you preoccupy their minds.
Now the
measure of all things is charity. Consider:
- Is it an act of charity to
dress in such a way that causes men to involuntarily wrestle with temptations
to lust?
- I mean if you:
- decided you liked to click your pen, and
- said that
you had a right to click your pen as often as you wanted so long as you weren't
offending God, and
- ignored the fact that you're driving everyone around
you crazy with incessant
pen-clicking,
aren't you being impolite in doing
so?
So much more then, when you dress in such a way that distracts the
chaste.
- Now what about those who don't care about chastity?
Here the problem is
even greater. Not only are you enabling them to sin, but you have a situation
where your dignity is being violated. Why? Because men are looking at you
as an object rather than as a person. They see you as a means to an end,
a base end at that, not as an end in yourself and so they fantasize about
using you. This is beneath your dignity and you shouldn't allow it to happen.
You are too good for that. To be honest it should creep you out that
men are doing this.
The bottom line is to think about your motivations.
- Are they selfish,
or are they selfless?
- Are they moved by love, or are they moved by worldly
concerns?
- Are you trying to impress people, or are you being considerate
of someone else?
Here is a good thing to do:
Imagine yourself dressed as
you wish before Christ and the Blessed Mother.
- Do you think, deep down,
that they would approve of what you wear?
- If not, are you not offending
Christ by wearing what you're wearing?
It sounds to me like you've received a lot of advice already on this,
some of it you've listened to, some of it you've ignored. Make sure you
are praying and seeking Christ's will in all of this, and not just searching
for someone who will justify what you want to hear.
- Have you been praying
about this?
- Have you been seeking Christ's will?
- Are you completely open
to Christ's will whatever it may be?
- Are you willing to submit this to
Christ's Lordship?
(i.e., Are you willing to do whatever Christ wants no
matter how much it may contradict your will?)
I pray that you may find a resolution to this in your own heart.
Yours in Christ,
Eric Ewanco
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