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Aleena,
Thanks for the questions.
You have to separate your faith from your emotional life. You are tossed about by emotions that take you up and down, and you equate that with your belief. You need to stop relying on emotions to have a relationship with God and develop some discipline in your prayer life; not simply praying when you feel like you're close to God. Mother Teresa didn't feel close with God for most of her active years in service, but she let those dry years become an additional sacrifice for the sake of souls. You are called to the same kind of sainthood that she was.
Make a commitment to prayer everyday, and I would recommend the Rosary. It is the most powerful prayer you can do and you can easily make it a daily habit. You will find God is helping you when you see things a little differently; it just won't be the way you expect, or even want, but will be what He knows is best for you. Trust will come when you decide to trust. When you pray the Rosary you can meditate on Mary, and how she trusted God even:
- when she had to give birth in a cave
- when evil men wanted to kill her baby
- when she had to flee to Egypt, and even watch her Son be crucified to death.
She knows something about rejection, trust, and all the issues you have. You need Mary to mother you and help you to get past all these struggles so you can live in faith and love and have peace in your heart. You know the devil wants to take all that from you and, yes, you can lose your soul should you abandon God, for He is the only one who can save you.
I suspect negativity has surrounded you, which is never from God, and that has affected much of your outlook. These are difficult times but there is hope in Christ, for He has overcome everything and has reserved a special place for you in Heaven — you need to grab on and hold to that promise and let the negativity go. Pray for others, sacrifice for others. Find some category of underdogs that you really care about and make all your sufferings, bullying, rejection, hate, or whatever, be for their sake.
Become a saint, for that is your true purpose, and you will find joy.
Peace,
Bob Kirby
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