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Dear SoConfused,
You do need spiritual help, and expert help. You
are rightly torn, and it appears that God is calling
you. You must answer His call. It is at least, for
now, a call to live celibately and lovingly in witness
to the truth, and that witness may move and convince
your husband. He will have the choice:
- to separate or
- to do what needs to be done for your sake and
the sake of your union, if not for his own sake.
It seems that you have tried to make the decisions
for everyone, and your husband has known that you
would. You have to do things for God first, and it
will work out for everyone, though it may take some
witness, some suffering, and some time (as it
is, you are experiencing all of those anyway, but
to no good). It appears that your husband may
have deceived you with a false promise at the time
of your marriage, which would be grounds for annulment
above and beyond whether your marriage was valid
(due to form, or due to his previous marriages).
Your marriage is possibly invalid due to a number
of factors:
- if you were Catholic at the time, and married
without a Church form or witness, and/or married
a Protestant without a dispensation, then the marriage
is invalid.
- if you were not a Catholic, then the marriage
may be invalid because your husband may have been
still married to one of his previous partners.
It is not for anyone to say but the Tribunal. Please
start inquiring about the process.
By the way, if your marriage isn't valid, it's not a bad marriage — it is not a marriage at all. The
Church knows that someone baptized into the
Body of Christ cannot marry outside the Body of Christ,
cannot marry non-sacramentally, because our Baptismal
conformation to Christ so defines us that any true
marriage must be in Christ or it is not us! You
have become close to Christ, and He has begun to
guide you.
Another thing: you are not excommunicated. You are
not able to receive Communion while in a state of
sin, but that is different from excommunication.
You and your husband can try to live celibately together,
and if you do, you may receive Communion; and if you fail at
times, you can confess and receive Communion again. You are certainly
permitted to stay together for the sake of the children,
but it is under the condition of living as brother
and sister until the previous unions of your partner
are resolved one way or another.
God is calling you to something a bit difficult but
with great payoffs. You are seeing all the worst
things that might happen, and thinking that you are
causing them, but that is not true. You only need
to do the first basic thing God asks, and God will
give your partner grace to respond. Perhaps with
a struggle, but you can be at peace with your decision.
As for being an Extraordinary Minister, what you
called Eucharistic Minister, that is a different
case. The people in the parish will not know, as
your pastor will know (you should tell him in
Confession), that you will be living chastely
with your partner during this interim period. For
that reason, the pastor can admit you to Communion.
No one should judge, but it is inevitable that people
will take some scandal if they know about your marital
situation and don't know that you are living chastely.
The priest may decide to avoid scandal and not allow
you to be a Eucharistic minister. Most of the trainers
of ministers would not be aware of some of the subtle
nuances here, so talk to the pastor. He can grant
you permission to receive Communion as long as you
live chastely and are working on a resolution.
If your husband loved you, he would want more than
anything for you to be at peace with your conscience
and with God. There are some things that must not
be sacrificed for others, and among them is your
conscience and your relationship with God. No good
can come of it in the long run. The only good that
comes is an apparent temporary peace that:
- is artificial and
- bought at the expense of the true welfare of
all concerned.
Listen to the voice of Jesus. Give Him all, and He
will respond and give it all back to you and more.
Mary Ann
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