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Linda
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Hi, guys —
I am a 20-year-old woman who recently got engaged to my fiancé a couple of months ago. We have been living together since our engagement and having pre-marital sex. I am the only member in my family who is Catholic. Once I temporarily moved out of the house, one of my sisters, who is currently going through a divorce, moved back home. Now all the rooms are taken and I cannot move back home.
After a year of preparation, I got baptized today on Holy Trinity Sunday. I understand that the Ten Commandments prohibit living together and copulating before marriage. We have already scheduled the wedding to take place on February 23, 2013. My wedding band has already been purchased, so nothing is going to stop my marriage from happening.
I was wondering if it is still a sin to have pre-marital sex while we are living together, if we have both:
- made the commitment to each to marry (by our engagement)
- bought my wedding band
- scheduled the marriage, and
- planned the wedding?
I am terrified of disappointing God because I love Him which is why I decided to become baptized, however I love my fiancé as well, and we are both determined to marry each other.
- Will I go to Hell if I continue to love God while continuing to live together and copulate with my fiancé before our marriage?
Linda
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Will I go to Hell if I continue to live together and copulate with my fiancé before our marriage? }
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Paul replied:
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Dear Linda,
Thanks for the sincere question.
Love is more than feelings. If we say we love God while we're sinning it's like saying we love our spouse while committing adultery. The essence of love is found in the will, not the emotions, and is expressed through our actions.
Yes, premarital sex is the matter of mortal sin. If we love God, we will stop behavior that violates His Will; and we will get ourselves to the sacrament of Confession to receive His:
- forgiveness
- healing from our sin, and
- grace to assist us in our resolution not to sin again.
If our love and dedication to God does not come first in our lives (even before our spouse or future spouse) then our marriages will suffer for it, not to mention ourselves and the community.
Peace,
Paul
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Eric replied:
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Hi, Linda —
The problem is that you are not truly committed until you make the public vows together before God. In other words, if you have sex together now, nothing is to stop you from aborting the marriage tomorrow, even if it involves losing money in the band. It's not purchasing a band that seals the commitment, it's the giving of yourselves to each other in the public vows that seals the commitment.
The vows are a more serious matter than a band; you are calling upon all your friends and family to enforce your commitment to one another, and ratifying the commitment in the eyes of God so that you truly cannot marry someone else and it is truly adultery if you have intercourse with anyone else. Only then are you really committed in the fullest sense, and only then have you totally given yourself to each other (which is what marriage and conjugal union is all about).
Eric
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Mary Ann replied:
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Linda,
God's law is for our benefit. Sex belongs in marriage. It has bonding and procreative powers that belong in marriage. Engaging in marital intercourse outside of marriage not only breaks God's law (and breaking His law means you love yourself and your partner more than God and His plan for your happiness) in a serious way, it also biochemically hormonally bonds you to someone whom you may not know well (this is why love is blind, as they say), and it risks putting a child into an unstable union. This is a dangerous place for a child.
If you have sex from now until next spring, statistics say you will get pregnant, even if you are on the pill or using a condom. If you are on the pill, the baby will be aborted by not being able to implant in your womb. If the baby survives that stage, your contraceptive mentality will incline you to abortion. The abortion will kill your child. Moreover, 75% of relationships break up within two weeks of an abortion, so chances are you will lose your fiancé. Most of the rest break up later, and those that survive have severe problems.
As one who works in the field of post-abortion ministry, I can tell you that I have heard horrific life stories from hundreds of young women who started out exactly in your situation. You do not truly know this man. Paradoxically, living with him has kept you from truly knowing him. The fact that he is willing to use you sexually before a true commitment says something about him. Now, he may be good and loving, but a pregnancy between now and the marriage will be a severe strain on the relationship, and it reveals the true character of even the most seemingly devoted fiancé.
The Catholic faith teaches that we must avoid the near occasion of sin. Living with him is an occasion for the sin of fornication. Your welfare and your salvation require you to separate from him. God does not ask what He does not provide for. He will provide, if you have the faith and courage to do what is necessary to honor Him, to protect your own honor, and to honor your future sacrament of marriage.
Apparently you were not well formed in your sacramental preparation, but now that you know the truth, call on the graces of those sacraments (which you have, within you, only when you have repented of serious sin) and ask the Lord's help.
Go to Confession at the earliest opportunity, and have the courage to help your fiancé be a true man.
God bless,
Mary Ann
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