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PathToPurity Patty wrote:

Hi, guys —

My boyfriend gets erections around me fairly regularly. I can notice this with a simple hug. (We are both practicing a chaste relationship and don't even kiss on the lips because I find it a cause for too much temptation for myself.) I have asked him about this and he tells me that he is not lusting after me; it just happens. He says he can even get them when he is speaking to me on the phone.

I don't understand this.

  • How is it possible for him to become aroused without lust?

He came from a very dark sexual history before we dated, spending a full decade in sexual perversion. He has been clean from porn for over a year now, but still relapses into masturbation at times (without porn). He is actively trying to fight this and is even taking part in Exodus90.

I am concerned though.

  • Is he being dishonest about not lusting after me when he shows a physical arousal?
  • Is he being dishonest with himself?

I'm worried about being in a relationship with unaddressed lust.

PTP Patty

  { How is it possible for him to become aroused without lust; is he being dishonest about not lusting? }

Eric replied:

Dear PTP Patty,

Speaking from a male perspective, it's simply physiological, or at least you can't rule that out.

Besides, he has to answer to God for any lust of his; not you, so I encourage you not to worry about it. If this really bothers you, then sit down with him habitually and pray together that both of you receive the grace to keep your minds pure in your relationship. That way you remind him and keep him on track without accusing him or suggesting anything untoward.

Eric Ewanco

Bob replied:

Dear friend,

I know someone that went through a sexually active history then, after conversion, went totally chaste and had no sex, porn or masturbation; he went cold turkey. However, whenever he talked to his ex-girlfriend, even over the phone, for even the most harmless reasons, he would get an erection; that went on for probably a year. It is like Pavlov's dog, an involuntary action that is triggered by a physical memory. It is like the hormones take over and react to an associated stimulus.

In this case it was the girlfriend's voice. In your case, it is because you are female and have the potential to be a mate — even if that is a very remote possibility, like two years from now in marriage. Still, his body is reacting to that reality on the most base level — it doesn't have to be conscious.

He will grow out of this problem, but you must remain vigilant and unwavering in your commitment to chastity. He is still learning to control himself, so be patient, but unyielding in purity.

Peace,

Bob Kirby

PTP Patty replied:

Hi guys,

Thank you both for your responses!

While I am very sad to know of his past ways of living, I do believe he is now trying his best to live a chaste life.

It is beautiful to know of the transformation which required him to turn away from so many perverse behaviors and lusts; (breaking piece-by-piece from that life was a 5-year process before we even met) a true story of God's grace.

The last thing I want to do is discourage him by accusing him, so I really appreciate the recommendation to make it more of a regular habit to ask for the grace of pure minds when we pray together (as a way to keep him on track, as well as myself). It definitely makes sense to think of it in terms of Pavlovian conditioning. That response to any women he turned to was so ingrained in him before. It makes sense that, as hard as he's worked so far, he's still dealing with the lingering effects on a base level.

I am especially encouraged to have hope that the problem may continue to lessen if the commitment to chastity remains! I am glad to finally get some better answers. Most secular sites just say that this is perfectly normal and a man should deal with it by masturbating (or that a girl should be happy that the guy is attracted to her and take it as flattery that he gets physically aroused). Thus, they aren't any help to me in figuring out the (Catholic/True) way forward.

I was worried about the underlying lust because I wouldn't want to move forward towards a Catholic marriage if he was still giving lust a foothold on his heart — that's just setting both of us up for pain.

I've wrestled with the worry of his past, (will it make him weaker to temptations in the future?), but I know God can transform everything. He has also been committed to a 12-step group for a year (Sexaholics Anonymous), so I think he's doing all he can to take responsibility for and ownership of his return to God.

God bless your work on this site!

PTP Patty
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