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Alexis,
You're getting mixed answers because there is no official answer on this. If you are asking to find out how much you can push the boundaries (or, more likely, if your boyfriend is asking to find out how much he can push the boundaries), that's fundamentally the wrong attitude (that's why there is no official answer, and another reason why you're getting mixed answers).
We should not only be avoiding sin, we should be avoiding whatever can lead to sin (called near occasions of sin). As the saying goes, don't get on the train if you don't plan on going to the destination. Human sexuality is very powerful, and the closer you get to the fire, the more likely you are to get burned. We must remain vigilant and guard our hearts against any selfishness (that's what sexual impurity is; selfishness).
Here is another facet of the topic:
Q: A priest told an engaged couple that it was permissible to touch intimately before they marry, so long as they don’t engage in intercourse. Is he correct? |
A: No. Jesus stated in Matthew 5:28 that a person can commit sins of sexual impurity even in his thoughts: “But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” The same is true of fornication (premarital sex).
Looking at a woman (or man) to whom you are not married and indulging in lustful thoughts counts as committing fornication in your heart.
- If indulging yourself in mental lust for someone to whom you are not married counts as fornication, how much more so will intimate touching in which you partially act out the sexual desire you have for another?
Sometimes people rationalize extramarital sexual practices on the grounds that by committing a lesser sin one may avoid a greater one, such as fornication. There are two problems with this.
- First, as St. John Paul II made clear in his encyclical Veritatis Splendor, one may never do something intrinsically wrong in order to avoid a problem. We cannot do evil that good may come of it.
- Second, this strategy simply doesn't work. If someone finds it difficult to restrain himself sexually, following this priest’s advice will not make it easier to control himself—quite the opposite.
Frye, Peggy, 101 Quick Questions with Catholic Answers: Sexuality (San Diego, CA: Catholic Answers, 2011), p. 14 |
Encourage your boyfriend to cultivate chastity (and you should too). If he issues an ultimatum where he demands access to your body as a condition of the relationship, well, I'd argue he views you more as an object of sexual gratification than as a human being. You are worth more than that.
I'd encourage you to read some books by Jason Evert, such as If You Really Loved Me. Christopher West is another option. I have not been working with young people so I'm not up on all the resources, nor am I really competent to offer concrete advice, but I trust these authors, and I think they can offer you better advice.
Eric |
