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My boyfriend and I know the line of having sex. We understand that penetration and ejaculation are wrong.
The problem is, where do we draw the line on this?
We stay away from either of our privates near the other person's. But recently, he's been grabbing my breasts, and I've been touching him. Neither of us is bringing the other even close to climaxing or ejaculating. Where the questioning started was whether it's right for him to finger me.
Since he's not using his penis and I'm not climaxing due to it, is it okay?
This made us question everything else. We've stopped everything we were unsure about for now until we find an answer. The problem is that we've read that it's wrong, but the only reason we can find is that it leads to sex. We both understand it's a slippery slope or a temptation, but we've done everything we have with consideration and self-control. Therefore, we don't believe slipping into sex is a concern. Even if that doesn't seem like a reason enough, I really am curious as to why, besides the "it leads to sex" reason, it is not okay. In short, what I'm asking is:
Is it okay to touch each other intimately:
if we don't bring each other to the finish or climax and
are not engaging in intercourse, and why?
Carlina
{ Where do we sexually draw the line on this topic and other sexual areas? }
Eric replied:
Dear Carlina,
It is good that you decided to stop your activity until you sorted things out; I give you credit for that. If you are asking to find out how far you can go, that's fundamentally the wrong attitude.
We should not only be avoiding sin, we should be avoiding all lust and whatever can lead to sin (called near occasions of sin). As the saying goes, don't get on the train if you don't plan on going to the destination. Human sexuality is very powerful, and the closer you get to the fire, the more likely you are to get burned. We must remain vigilant and guard our hearts against any selfishness (that's what sexual impurity is; selfishness).
Here is another facet of the topic:
Q: A priest told an engaged couple that it was permissible to touch intimately before they marry, so long as they don’t engage in intercourse.
Is he correct?
A: No. Jesus stated in Matthew 5:28 that a person can commit sins of sexual impurity even in his thoughts: “But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” The same is true of fornication (premarital sex).
Looking at a woman (or man) to whom you are not married and indulging in lustful thoughts counts as committing fornication in your heart.
If indulging yourself in mental lust for someone to whom you are not married counts as fornication, how much more so will intimate touching in which you partially act out the sexual desire you have for another?
Sometimes people rationalize extramarital sexual practices on the grounds that by committing a lesser sin one may avoid a greater one, such as fornication. There are two problems with this.
First, St. John Paul II made clear in his encyclical Veritatis Splendor, one may never do something intrinsically wrong in order to avoid a problem. We cannot do evil that good may come of it.
Second, this strategy simply doesn't work. If someone finds it difficult to restrain himself sexually, following this priest’s advice will not make it easier to control himself—quite the opposite.
II. The Vocation to Chastity.
.
.
2337 Chastity means the successful integration of sexuality within the person and thus the inner unity of man in his bodily and spiritual being. Sexuality, in which man's belonging to the bodily and biological world is expressed, becomes personal and truly human when it is integrated into the relationship of one person to another, in the complete and lifelong mutual gift of a man and a woman. (2349, 2520)
The integrity of the person.
.
2339 Chastity includes an apprenticeship in self-mastery which is a training in human freedom. The alternative is clear: either man governs his passions and finds peace, or he lets himself be dominated by them and becomes unhappy. (cf. Sirach 1:22) "Man's dignity therefore requires him to act out of conscious and free choice, as moved and drawn in a personal way from within, and not by blind impulses in himself or by mere external constraint. Man gains such dignity when, ridding himself of all slavery to the passions, he presses forward to his goal by freely choosing what is good and, by his diligence and skill, effectively secures for himself the means suited to this end." (Vatican II, Gaudium et spes 17)
Catholic Church, Catechism of the Catholic Church, 2nd Ed. (Vatican City: Libreria Editrice Vaticana, 1997), pp. 561–62
You say that you have self-control, but the virtue of self-control is notoriously hard to master, especially for young people, and we all need to master it as Christians. Mastering our sexual desires is one of the best ways of learning self-control.
Think of it this way: You are contemplating giving yourselves to each other in a sexual way outside of the context of marriage. You are forming sexual bonds that may be broken if you opt not to marry each other. That is going to harm your relationship with your future spouse. The closer you approach intercourse (and "fingering" is very close to it), the more damage you will do to yourselves if you don't end up marrying.
I encourage both you and your boyfriend to cultivate chastity.
I'd also encourage you to read some books by Jason Evert, such as If You Really Loved Me.
Christopher West is another option. I have not been working with young people so I'm not up on all the resources, nor am I really competent to offer concrete advice, but I trust these authors, and I think they can offer you better advice.
Eric
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