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I am a 21-year-old student looking for advice
in my faith. I go to church each week and
completely love and believe in God although, at times,
in college it can be hard. I have
a boyfriend I love that
I have had for almost four years; one who
loves me more than anything.
He is truly amazing, except for one major
issue, he's not Catholic. He was raised Baptist
(almost anti-Catholic) but does have a strong
faith, he just doesn't believe the Catholic
religion
is right. We aren't trying to get married
anytime soon but it is a possibility in the
future, especially since we have been together
so long. I am so scared about the religion
issue.
Do you have any advice?
I have prayed for him many times.
Also do you think there is any possibility
in making a (Catholic/non-Catholic) marriage
work or is it a lost cause?
Thanks so much!
Ashley
{
At
my young age, is there an way our mixed faith
relationship can work out in a future marriage? }
Mary
Ann replied:
Dear Ashley,
It is very difficult to have a marriage
between a believing Catholic and
a convicted Baptist. Baptists are
anti-Catholic in belief, even if
not hostile in attitude. (In other
words, you can think the Church is
the Whore of Babylon but love Catholics
and want them to be saved.) If, in
four years, you have not seriously
discussed the content differences
in your religions, then neither one
of you:
knows his or her faith very
much, nor
cares very much about the
content of his or her faith.
Four years is a long time to safely
court. This should be a time when
you truly devote yourself to learning
your faith and your studies so as
to be better prepared for life as
adults.
You say marriage is only a
possibility but not anytime
soon. That means that
after four years, neither of you
know. Perhaps your relationship has
become a habit or a crutch, something
you are dependent on. Perhaps a marriage
to this person is God's will, but
you need to pray about this and give
each the other some distance so that
you can focus on these important
things. If you see each other very
frequently, such a long courtship
can be a real occasion of sin.
God bless.
Mary Ann
Paul
replied:
Dear Ashley,
I must concur with the thoughts of
Mary Ann. The pattern of relationship
you speak of is one of the world
inasmuch as you have been
together with your boyfriend for
four years.
The idea of a male and female being
together in the Bible is found
only in marriage. The more we are together with
our boyfriend or girlfriend is the
more we were together with
someone else if we marry another
in the future. Today's form of pre-marital relationships militates
against the uniqueness and exclusivity
of marriage. On the other hand, the
sole goal of pre-marital courting is to discern
marriage with the other. The notion
of boyfriend that is popular today is very different,
and as Mary Ann stated can be a very
dangerous occasion for sin.
Having said that, a marriage between
a Catholic and non-Catholic can work,
and it is allowable as long as both
spouses promise to raise all children
Catholic, but I wouldn't be one for
recommending it. Since a person's
basic beliefs about life and God,
as well as one's religious practice,
is at the core of their being, it
can be very difficult to maintain
a cohesive family unit without there
being a similar religious conviction.
Feel free to comment further if you'd
like to continue the conversation
with us.
Peace,
Paul
Mike
replied:
Dear Ashley,
I just wanted to add a few things
to the fine comments my colleagues
have made.
If you truly love your boyfriend
and want the best for him, you have
to first make him aware of the big
elephant in his life: a Church that
does not exist.
What do I mean?
Worldwide there are many sincere
and good-hearted Christians, like
your boyfriend, who hate the Catholic
Church. The problem is, what they
have been taught about the Church
is generally untrue. Where they learn
these distortions is unimportant.
What is important is that there are
sincere Christians who hate a Church
that doesn't exist.
If your boyfriend truly loves you;
he will respect what you believe
as a practicing Catholic. At the
same time, he has to acknowledge
that being anti-Catholic is not a
faith. Being Baptist is a faith.
The Baptist faith was founded
by John Smyth, a man, in 1609 A.D.
Other man-made faiths were founded at other times in history.
The Catholic faith was founded
by Jesus Christ, the God-Man,
one person, in 33 A.D. almost 1,600
years earlier.
As my colleague Paul stated in his
reply, mixed marriages are allowed
and can work out, but there are obstacles
based on the differences in the faith.
Here is what the Catechism says on
the issue:
1633 In many countries the situation
of a mixed marriage, (marriage
between a Catholic and a baptized
non-Catholic), often arises. It
requires particular attention
on the part of couples and their
pastors. A case of marriage with
disparity of cult (between a Catholic
and a non-baptized person) requires
even greater circumspection.
1634 Difference of confession
between the spouses does not constitute
an insurmountable obstacle for
marriage, when they succeed in
placing in common what they have
received from their respective
communities, and learn from each
other the way in which each lives
in fidelity to Christ. But the
difficulties of mixed marriages
must not be underestimated. They
arise from the fact that the separation
of Christians has not yet been
overcome. The spouses risk experiencing
the tragedy of Christian disunity
even in the heart of their own home. Disparity of cult can further
aggravate these difficulties.
Differences about faith and the
very notion of marriage, but also
different religious mentalities,
can become sources of tension
in marriage, especially as regards
the education of children. The
temptation to religious indifference
can then arise.
1635 According to the law in force
in the Latin Church, a mixed marriage
needs for liceity the express
permission of ecclesiastical authority. (cf. Code of Canon Law, Canon 1124) In case of disparity of cult an
express dispensation from this
impediment is required for the
validity of the marriage. (cf. Code of Canon Law, Canon 1086) This
permission or dispensation presupposes
that both parties know and do
not exclude the essential ends
and properties of marriage; and
furthermore that the Catholic
party confirms the obligations,
which have been made known to
the non-Catholic party,
of preserving his or her own faith
and ensuring the baptism and education
of the children in the Catholic
Church. (cf. Code of Canon Law, Canon 1125)
1636 Through ecumenical dialogue Christian communities in many regions have been able to put into effect a common pastoral practice for mixed marriages. Its task is to help such couples live out their particular situation in the light of faith, overcome the tensions between the couple's obligations to each other and towards their ecclesial communities, and encourage the flowering of what is common to them in faith and respect for what separates them.
1637 In marriages with disparity of cult the Catholic spouse has a particular task:
"For the unbelieving husband is consecrated through his wife, and the unbelieving wife is consecrated through her husband."
It is a great joy for the Christian spouse and for the Church if this "consecration" should lead to the free conversion of the other spouse to the Christian faith. (cf. 1 Corinthians 7:16) Sincere married love, the humble and patient practice of the family virtues, and perseverance in prayer can prepare the non-believing spouse to accept the grace of conversion.
If your boyfriend loves you, he will
be open-minded and find out what
you believe as a Catholic.
Encourage him to consider buying a cheap copy of the Catechism of the Catholic Church so he can learn everything we believe as faithful Catholics.
Hope this helps,
Mike
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