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Rachel
wrote:
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Hi, guys —
This question is a bit personal, but I don't mind it being
used on the web site as I'm sure there are other women
who have this question on their mind, but are afraid to
ask.
I'm married and my husband and I have a pretty active
sexual life, as we are newly weds, but there are quite
a few times that I don't find sexual release from intercourse
with my husband.
Of course, he does and I enjoy the act, but I don't always
receive a sexual release on my end.
I know that self-pleasuring (i.e. masturbation) is a mortal
sin and that sex is about what you can give, and not receive,
but sometimes this can become very aggravating, especially
if it's been a few times and I still don't receive anything
on my end.
I've brought this up to my husband once or twice, but
all it does is make him feel bad that he cannot fully please
me. Sex isn't so important in our relationship that,
if we don't have it the right way, we'll break up, but
it's also very binding between a couple and it's upsetting
him that he can't bring me to a sexually fulfilled end.
So my question is:
- If, after sex, a woman has not found her release, is
it still considered a sin for her to be sexually pleasured
to release?
- I know that all acts of sex are to end in an open-to-life way (i.e. vaginal), but is it sinful for the woman
to find release after her husband has finished either
from him or from herself?
I'm sure this is a very touchy question and it's one I've
been struggling with. I have attempted
to find an answer to this question and would really appreciate
any feedback.
I'm trying to live my life in accordance with God and
the Church and I've come a long way, but this is one issue
I struggle with and I don't know what to do.
- If the answer is Yes, do you have any recommended prayers
to help push away temptation so I can take the issue
into my own hands . . . figuratively speaking?
Thank you,
Rachel
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If a woman has not found her sexual release, is it still considered a sin for her to be pleasured? }
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Mike
replied:
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Hi, Rachel —
Although I'm single, let me take a shot at an answer.
First let me commend you and your husband on striving
to live as a Christian couple.
You appear to have a mature Catholic attitude on
the issue which is to be applauded.
You said:
So my question is:
- If, after sex, a woman has not found her release, is
it still considered a sin for her to be sexually pleasured
to release?
- I know that all acts of sex are to end in an open-to-life way (i.e. vaginal), but is it sinful for the woman
to find release after her husband has finished either
from him or from herself?
I'd be interested in what my colleagues think,
because occasionally I get criticized for being too
harsh and too much by the book.
I'm wavering between Yes and No but tend to think
this is not a sinful act.
- Yes Justification: Because your release is
not part of being open to new life.
- No Justification: Because the goal of you and your
husband copulating in bed is:
- to bond as husband and wife and
- to be open to new life.
In order to ensure any nuances aren't being missed,
I'd suggest you bring this to a local confessor known
for his faithfulness to the Church's teachings.
These [issues/struggles] are all part of our human
nature:
- due to the effects of original sin, and
- due to the fact that a man was created for woman
and a woman was created for a man, so they would
bring forth new life in accordance with Christian
morals
In our life, pleasure has its purpose but we have
to use it within the guidelines God has provided.
If we don't, we can get caught up in extreme and
addictive sexual activities that are hard to break.
(though Confession is always there for us.)
I want to share
two prayers with you. One I say after Confession.
Lord God, you created my body out of nothing.
You created it with all its senses: taste, touch,
sight, smell, and hearing that come with it.
Although my mind and body may not understand the
reasoning behind living a chaste lifestyle or by
nature be drawn away from it, I pray you will bless
my body {make the sign of
the cross over your body} and make it chaste according to your Divine Will.
I ask this in the name of our Lord and Savior Jesus
Christ.
Amen. |
Here is an ad-lib prayer I created for married Christian
couples who are sexually active:
Lord God, you created my body and that of my spouse's
out of nothing. You created them with all its senses:
taste, touch, sight, smell, and hearing that come
with it.
Because we have decided to be open
to new life during our marital acts, and if it
be your will, be co-creator's with you in bringing
forth new life for your glory, may you bless
us both with THAT intense sexual pleasure that
comes with this self-giving act, at the right time,
at the right pleasure levels so that both of us
will receive a mutual release of sexual pleasure
in accordance with your divine will for:
- bonding as a husband and a wife
and
- bringing forth new life into the world.
May our marital acts of love bring us closer
together as we openly communicate with each other
and understand each other better, both in mind
and body.
During our periods of continence, may you bless
both our bodies so that we will:
- be able to enjoy
each others physical presence and activities (See
note below) in
accordance
with a Christian couple's life and
- see, in our
spouse, a life-long marital friend, rather then
an object.
We ask this in the name of our Lord and Savior
Jesus Christ.
Amen. |
Note below: Normal physical activities between
Christian couples during periods of continence would
include:
- hugs and kisses
- a back massage . . . if you can get it : )
- a foot massage . . . if you can get it : )
- any thing I missed.
Suggestion: During periods of marital continence,
you can say the single's prayer,
I say after Confession.
One last reminder: Criteria for mortal sin:
- Knowledge (knowing it is a sin.)
- Full Consent of the Will
- Serious reflection. (It was no accident.)
If one is missing, there is no mortal sin.
From the Catechism of the Catholic Church:
Criteria for a mortal sin from the Catechism:
CCC 1857-1860
1857 For a sin to be mortal, three conditions
must together be met: "Mortal sin is sin whose
object is grave matter and which is also committed
with full knowledge and deliberate consent."
1858 Grave matter is specified by the Ten Commandments,
corresponding to the answer of Jesus to the rich
young man: "Do not kill, Do not commit adultery,
Do not steal, Do not bear false witness, Do not
defraud, Honor your father and your mother." The
gravity of sins is more or less great: murder is
graver than theft. One must also take into account
who is wronged: violence against parents is in
itself graver than violence against a stranger.
1859 Mortal sin requires full knowledge and complete
consent. It presupposes knowledge of the sinful
character of the act, of its opposition to God's
law. It also implies a consent sufficiently deliberate
to be a personal choice. Feigned ignorance and
hardness of heart do not diminish, but rather increase,
the voluntary character of a sin.
1860 Unintentional ignorance
can diminish or even remove the [imputability] of a
grave offense. But no one is deemed to be ignorant
of the principles of the moral law, which
are written in the conscience of every man. The
prompting's of feelings and passions can also diminish
the voluntary and free character of the offense,
as can external pressures or pathological disorders.
Sin committed through malice, by deliberate choice
of evil, is the gravest. |
In this American culture, saturated by sexual overtones,
many people struggle in this area.
Nevertheless, don't do dumb things like receiving
Holy Communion after a lapse from the sins of the
flesh without first going to Confession! There's
a priest there every Saturday.
Don't be scrupulous, just mention it.
Hope this helps,
Mike
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John
replied:
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Hi, Rachel —
I believe the Bishops have done some work clarifying
this question, but I don't remember the name of the
document.
It's my understanding that since a female orgasm
is not directly involved in the procreative act,
it is perfectly fine for a husband to assist his
wife to achieve satisfaction, either prior to or,
after intercourse, so long as it is part of unitive
act which includes an open attitude towards life.
In fact, it would be considered uncharitable on the
part of the husband not to do so.
This is different for men. The male orgasm is directly
related to conception, hence a couple's intent must
always be for the male to achieve orgasm in his spouse's
vagina. That does not preclude the married couple
from engaging in other forms of foreplay or stimulation.
Finally with respect to the woman helping herself.
Without getting graphic, there is a blurry line here.
During the marital act, auto stimulation is bound
to take place in one form or another, even if not
for a prolonged period of time so if after
intercourse a woman is assisted by her husband
in stimulating her to release, that's one thing.
If it's a matter of her outright masturbating in
a selfish manner, that's another.
Hope this helps,
John
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Richard replied:
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Hi Mike,
On any questions about sexual behavior, you can safely refer readers to this web page by moral theologian Germain Grisez on what sexual acts are acceptable for Christians:
Grisez is one of the most noted orthodox moral theologians in the United States. Now retired, he taught at Mt. St. Mary's Seminary in Emmitsburg. That web site presents his multi-volume work on moral theology, The Way of the Lord Jesus.
— RC
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