Patricia
wrote:
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Hi, guys —
My name is Patricia and I have written to
you in the past. Thank you so much for the
help.
- I want to know, according to the Catholic
Church, up to what point does a wife have to sexually satisfy
her husband?
- For example, if I am just simply tired,
but maybe able to put forth an effort to
satisfy him, even if I am not so much in
the mood, is that part of my obligation?
According to the Bible, a wife has to satisfy
her husband always, unless
she wants to spend that time in prayer. Another
excuse, of course, is if the wife is sick but
other than that, there is no excuse.
- What does the Church want from a devoted
wife in her marriage?
Patty
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{
According to the Church, up
to what point does a wife have to sexually satisfy
her husband? }
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John
replied:
Patricia,
I don't know that the Church has
a specific formula, for lack of a
better term for this situation.
Relations between a husband and wife
are a part of a healthy marriage
and indeed, within the context of
a marriage, sex is a holy and sacramental
activity, in that it consummates
the covenant.
Sexual intercourse is part of a greater
intercourse which takes place between
husband and wife.
I am told by married couples that
a good sex life:
- starts in the morning when a
couple talk over breakfast
- give each other a kiss good-bye
as one or both of them go off
to work, and
- builds throughout the day as
they may call each other or greet
each other in the evening.
Communication and interaction throughout
the day is what sets the mood.
That said, there are many reasons
or situations when one person, be
it wife or husband, just does not
want sex on a given night. While
sometimes a spouse needs to make
a sacrifice for the sake of the other,
it should be the exception, not the
norm.
Both spouses have responsibility
to the other to fulfill each other
in this regard, but, if the couple
has a reasonably active sex life,
then not being in the mood or being
too tired is perfect justification
for denying the other. The spouse
who is being denied in this instance,
is also part of the communication
in marriage that determines how satisfying
the couples sex life is.
Now if someone is consistently not
in the mood or does not have a reasonable
sex drive, then perhaps there are
other problems. Perhaps the couple
needs to work on communication, or
there could be some physiological
reasons as well. Sometimes it's a
hormone thing, while other times
medication taken for unrelated issues
has a negative impact on both female
and male sex drives.
At any rate, there is no formula
that says a wife or husband must
have sex X number
of times per week.
John DiMascio
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Fr. Francis replied:
Dear Patricia,
I am afraid that this "vision
of marriage" that is operative
in your question is terribly one-sided
and does not speak of the mystery
of mutual love and fidelity that
is the "sacramentum" — the
sign of marriage which signifies
and makes present the mutual love
of Christ, the Bridegroom, and His
Bride, the Church.
Note that in the Genesis accounts
of Creation, man and woman are equal.
Genesis 1 speaks of the creation
of man, created in the "divine
image", "Male and female
He created them." (Genesis
1:27) It is to both that
God gives the command, "Be
fertile and multiply; fill the earth
and subdue it." (Genesis
1:28) In Genesis 2, after receiving
the gift of woman, the man cries
out:
"The one at last is bone
of my bones
and flesh of my flesh;
This one shall be called 'woman'
for out of 'her man' this one
has been taken." (Genesis
2:23)
This phrase "bone of my bones" means
having the same strengths as I have. "Flesh
of my flesh" means having the
same weaknesses I have. In other
words, "woman" is an equal,
another 'self'.
The equality of man and woman in
marriage is again taught and emphasized
by Jesus in Mark 10. Notice there
that there is an equal prohibition
of man and woman to divorce their
spouse — man and woman are
thus equal within the covenant-bond
of marriage.
In no way is woman the property of
her husband, who, as
if she were a slave or something,
orders her to submit to his will
and sexual needs and "have sex".
In fact that would be all that was
happening - "having sex".
In a situation like that, there is
only a shade or two of difference
between "having
sex" and "rape" -
and yes, rape can take place within
marriage.
Marriage is a covenant bond uniting
man and woman in a human, exclusive,
faithful and mutual giving of self
to the other type of love that is
open to the creation of new human
life. Animals "have sex".
Human beings, in the dignity of the
image of God, body and soul, are
intellectually free to "make
love". Only human beings are
capable of "making love".
Only a man and a woman can [complete
/ fulfill] "making
love". Man and woman are created
equal and complementary so that they
might freely give of themselves to
each other in marriage. This mutual
self-giving is marital love, and
while lived 24/7, it is expressed
or embodied in the "conjugal
act" of "making love".
For a husband or a wife for that
matter, to see the "other" primarily,
or worse only, as a means to "getting
pleasure", is to make the spouse
an object, thus not respecting them
in their person.
No person can be reduced to an "object".
Each is a subject, another self,
a "thou". The Lord Jesus'
prohibition of lust in the Sermon
on the Mount preserves this deep
respect for the other, disallowing
them from being an object and simply
a means to pleasure. Thus your question
about "satisfying" your
husband hints (actually more than
hints) at an attitude that misses
the mark of the Gospel vision of
marriage.
When Paul begins his teaching concerning
the spousal love of Christ for His
Bride, the Church, and how husband
and wife, "married in the Lord" signify
this love before he ever gets to
the famous part about "wives
submitting to husbands", he
tells both, husband and wife, in
fact everyone in the Church, to "submit
[defer] to one another out of reverence
for Christ". (Ephesians
5:21)
It is only in that context, that
the submission of the wife to her
husband, and the husband's loving
his wife, as Christ loves the Church [Christ
gave Himself totally to and for the
Church: "This is My Body given
for you..."], that marital
love should be taught and mean anything.
You can see now how marriage is Eucharistic
- Eucharist centered.
Patricia, marriage in the Lord is
about mutuality, cherishing, respect,
fidelity and love. Those are the
core visions of Holy Matrimony and
the only foundation for their fruit
— children.
Father Francis
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