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Lindsey
wrote:
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Hi, guys —
My boyfriend and I moved in together a couple
of years ago with the intention that we would
be getting married in the next few years.
I was struggling financially and we had an
opportunity to buy a house together — even
with the mortgage. By sharing all of
our other costs, it would take a lot of financial
pressure off both of us. Since we were planning
on getting married anyway,
we decided to take advantage of the chance
to invest while easing the burden of our individual
bills.
My boyfriend is Catholic. After moving in
together, we had a good discussion and agreed
that we want to be married in the Catholic
Church and raise our children in the faith.
I joined a RCIA class last year with the hopes of
entering the Church this Easter.
I'm now realizing how big of a deal living
together before marriage is.
- Is this something that could prevent me
from entering the Church?
I know that a priest can refuse to marry
you if you live together out of marriage — that is something we will have to deal
with when the time comes, but:
- Can they
make the same justification and not allow
me to enter the Church?
Now that I know this is a big sin, part of
my problem is, I can confess it, but I'm supposed
to have the intention that I won't commit
the sin again. If we live together, I know
that I'm going home to our house after Church.
Something isn't a sin, if you don't know it's
a sin. I didn't realize that living together
was a sin in the eyes of the Catholic Church
when we moved in together
(I just thought
premarital sex was the sin). Now that
I know it's a sin, it's a bit different!
I know one possibility is living apart until
we get married. I have thought about this
and this would be difficult for us. My family
does not live nearby and I do not have any
friends nearby that I could live with. The
closest ones live over an hour away. One of
us moving out to rent would not be financially
possible, especially since we would still
be responsible for the mortgage. Not only
that, we are now seen as common law married
where we live. We also share a bank account,
file taxes, and share everything
we own.
- Do I have any other options?
I've been doing a lot of reading and I found
one document directed at priests, In
relation to marrying a cohabiting couple, that
said
there were some instances where he could marry
them but it was up to the priest.
I know couples who got married in the Catholic
Church who lived together before marriage
but:
- I don't think they let the Church
know they lived together, and
- in some instances, only one of the spouses
was Catholic; the other was baptized in
another faith.
I suppose I should make an appointment with
the priest but I am nervous to talk to him
about this. Part of it is, I really want to
join the Church and have been doing my best
to be a good Catholic in all the other ways
but I'm really scared he will give me only
one option:
— to move out.
Thank you,
Lindsey
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Is
living together before marriage something
that could prevent me from entering the Church? }
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John
replied:
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Hi, Lindsey —
Thank you for your question.
First of all congratulations on your
pending wedding and on your plans
to become a Catholic.
The sin is not the fact that you
are living at the same address. If
it were, it would be a sin for a
man and a woman to be roommates.
While I wouldn't advise it, it is
not a sin, in and of, itself.
When the Catechism talks about cohabitation
being a sin it assumes the unmarried
couple is having illicit sexual relations.
Therefore, it is what you do together
at the same address, not simply sharing
an address, that is the problem.
That said, you should consider it
a wonderful grace that God has shown
you that sexual relations outside
marriage are sinful. You are certainly
in a better place than many who haven't
yet come to this realization.
I'm also impressed that you don't
want to lie about this and you want
to come into the Church the right
way. So the answer is simple — but it isn't going to be easy.
It requires abstinence until you
get married. You'll have to:
- inform
the priest of your situation
- let
him know that it would be impossible
for you to set up a separate dwelling,
if indeed,
it really would be
a hardship, and
- that you agree to live
as brother and sister (or as roommates)
until you marry.
It won't be easy and you'll
have to find ways to avoid temptations,
but it can be done. If you
fall, you fall. Just get up again, repent, confess, and move on but
don't use that as an easy way
out.
When we confess our sins we
need to have the intention of not
committing them again.
That doesn't
mean we can't fear that we'll
commit them again. It's natural
to confess fearing that you won't
be able to not sin again but let's
not forget God's grace in the
situation.
He's already shown
you that things need to change. He's
already given you the courage to
want to do this the right way, so
have some faith that He will see
you through the temptations until
you marry.
I hope this helps.
John DiMascio
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Mary
Ann replied:
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I have good news, Lindsey!
Living together is not a sin, per
se (though it could be a sin of giving
scandal). Living together is a euphemism
for establishing marital relations
before marriage. In other words,
the Church will not ask you to separate
if there is an undue hardship. She will
ask you to commit to premarital chastity
and observe it to the best of your
ability until you are married.
Many
couples have to go through a period
of abstinence (for instance, when
a spouse goes to Iraq for a year
— or Vietnam, in my case), so it
is not impossible. It is difficult
if you are actually
cohabiting
though, so you will need prayer,
a sense of humor, (and separate bedrooms).
You will find your relationship raised
to a new level.
Don't be afraid to
talk to your priest . . . see how much
anxiety not talking to him has caused
already? : ) Of course, cohabiting
couples can be married in the Church.
They just need to:
- exhibit a real
desire for and understanding of
Catholic marriage
- observe pre-marital
chastity in preparation, and
- not
feel pressured by the situation
so that they are not acting out
of free will.
Here's an additional reference you may find helpful by a well-known, very good Catholic teacher:
Mary Ann
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