Hi, guys —

Although I was raised Protestant, I very much consider myself Catholic. I've been studying for a few years now, and last year, was finally able to go to my first Mass on all days, the Crowning of Mary ceremony. It was unlike anything I had ever experienced in a Baptist church. Recently, I was also able to visit the St. Paul's Shrine and the Poor Clares of Perpetual Adoration in Cleveland as well. It feels like home to me. I've gone through years of discernment- even changing my major and studying at a collegiate level because I just wanted answers as to why Christianity was so split. It helped me realize that the Catholic belief, while it has been through trials, is the one only truly historical and accurate, Holy, Catholic Church.

That being said, even though I have realized the truth, and do as much as I can, I cannot physically "practice" my beliefs. Unfortunately, I live in a dangerous, abusive environment. I still live at home with my father, who hates the Catholic belief. He has abused me physically, emotionally and sexually, and is currently keeping me from being able to travel on my own. I live in a rural area, so public transportation is nonexistent. I am able to visit the church in Cleveland, but not regularly, and never in time for Mass as my father says I shouldn't be going anyway, and it would take too long.

I do attend sometimes online, but it's not the same. I want to be baptized into the Church and I want to badly receive the Eucharist. Just to go to adoration and sit in His presence in His Church would be something I would bleed for, but with my father, being my source of transportation to and from places, especially the hospital (I am currently battling serious health issues), I am sort of stuck. I know it is for a reason. God is helping me through it but it just makes my craving for the faith ever stronger.

I feel like if I am not able to go through RCIA, or be baptized into the Church, unable to go to Confession and unable to receive the Eucharist, I am not a true Catholic. I consider myself to be so, but I feel like a fraud sometimes. I do know God's grace is above all, and farther than our understanding, but I can't help but feel ashamed I cannot stand up to my abuser to just simply go to Mass.

The overall question is:

• Could I be considered an official Catholic in secrecy? Or
• Am I not Catholic until I am baptized into the Church?
  

Maybe I could try and contact our local Priest and have him walk me through the process quietly but I feel guilty not being able to go to Mass or Confession.