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Thomas G.
wrote:
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Hi guys,
My fiancée and I have been dating for four years now and will
be getting married in April.
I am a practicing Catholic and she is a
non-practicing Protestant. Although she was baptized Catholic,
as an infant, she grew up in the Baptist tradition. For
the past two years, she has been attending Mass with me weekly.
We have had some deep discussions on faith issues. The one
issue we are both unwilling to budge on is the use of birth
control after we are married. She is insistent on waiting to have children
which I am OK with, as long as we practice
( NFP ).
She doesn't
trust in this method and refuses to use this method alone. She
insists on using artificial methods. I have been praying for
her and have done my best to explain some of the theology behind
the reasons why the Church teaches as it does.
This has been
to no avail and has led to many arguments. She tells me that
she believes in her heart what is true and believes birth control
is not wrong. She also doesn't
believe that the Church is right on many things. We are currently
taking the NFP course but I have to say that, as I have explained it, I am disheartened
by her lack of understanding on why birth control is morally wrong.
My question to you is, what can I do?
I do not want to start
our marriage off on the wrong foot in the eyes of God. According
to the Bible, the two become one flesh and the use of artificial
methods of birth control seems to diminish this beautiful truth.
Since the conjugal act involves both of us, what is the moral
culpability for each of us?
She seems to think that this would
be completely on her conscience and her side but I disagree.
Please help!
Thomas
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How do I assure my fiancée that artificial
contraception is morally wrong and NFP is morally right? }
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John replied:
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Thomas,
You have a very difficult and serious problem on you hands. First, to marry
someone who is outside the Church requires a dispensation, which is easily
granted. However, in granting the dispensation the Church requires that you
agree:
- to be open to children when God wants to give them to you, and
- to bring up those children in the faith.
You cannot enter a marriage in which your wife expects you to jeopardize
your soul by participating in mortal sin. This is what using artificial
contraception does.
I suspect this issue may be the tip of an iceberg. It is very easy and
common when one is in love to think that differences in faith are easily
overcome in marriage, but the issue of being open to children is foundational
to marriage.
The purpose of marital love is to give oneself completely to
the other person in a covenant relationship. That covenant relationship by
its very nature is procreative. One cannot separate the unitive aspect of
marital love from the procreative, otherwise the act becomes inherently selfish,
as opposed to self-giving. Her refusal to put family over career,
time together alone, or wanting to delay children, for whatever reason,
is indicative of unshared values. This foundational dichotomy may rear it's
head further down the road when it comes to:
- how the children are raised
- whether on not she believes that marriage is a permanent covenant instead
of breakable contract
- or any other number of issues which face a marriage.
This is a difficult reality that you have to deal with before you enter
into this marriage.
You cannot remain a Catholic in good standing and practice artificial contraception.
Moreover, this moral dichotomy must be reconciled if the marriage is to
work. You cannot let your emotions rule you in this matter. The faith of
the Church is clear and it is not just about following rules. The family
is the domestic Church. It mirrors the relationship between Christ and
His Church and, indeed, the relationship within the Trinity.
Marriage is
a sacrament and a vocation/ministry for which you will be held accountable.
The idea that it is simply on her conscience is folly. By knowingly
participating in her decision, you sin yourself, as well as become an accomplice
to her sin.
Moreover, there is no such thing as a private sin in Catholic Theology.
When one sins, it effects the entire Body of Christ.
If for no other reason, sin weakens the individual, who is a part of the
Body, and therefore makes him less effective as a member of the Body. That
is why the Sacrament of Reconciliation, not only forgives the sin and reconciles the sinner to God, it reconciles the sinner to the
Church which is the
Body.
I know this sounds tough. But it's the un-sugar-coated truth. I would
also recommend that you both read the Theology
of the Body by the Late
John Paul II. Perhaps, if she better understood the sacred nature of marital
act, she might better understand the grave moral disorder artificial contraception
is.
I hope this helps,
John DiMascio
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Mike replied:
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Hi Thomas,
In addition to my colleague, John's fine words, I would recommend sharing
with her the effects of artificial contraception (like the pill, etc) on
the anatomy of a female's body.
It basically destroys it, chemically.
You can go to the Priest
for Life web site for
more information on this. Fr. Frank Pavone can back my statement up.
Because artificial contraception (the pill/Norplant, etc.), forces a woman's
body to do things that the body is not use to doing, all with the goal of
aborting a person (the human [embryo| fetus]).
At a get-together with my niece, who is 18, this is one of the first things
I made her aware of, before she when off to college.
Please share this objective fact with your fiancé.
I put it this way to my niece and nephews ranging from age 6-18 is:
In the same way, a car has an owners manual, our bodies have owner's
manuals.
If my car was on empty, and I put chocolate syrup in the gas tank of my
car:
- Would it go?
- If not, why not?
- Don't I have the freedom to do what I want with my car as
I wish?
No one has any right to tell me I can't put chocolate syrup in
the gas tank including Toyota.
In my opinion, this is the logical your fiancée is using.
My Toyota Corolla has it's own car manual. Our body's have our body manuals,
Our body manual is called the Catechism and the Magisterium of the Catholic
Church. |
As John said, Marriage is not to be taken lightly. It's a life time commitment.
If you feel unsure about things, you may want to wait a little while longer.
We just want the best for both of you in the long term.
You said:
Although she was baptized Catholic, as an infant, she grew up in the Baptist
tradition.
[ ... ] She also doesn't
believe that the Church is right on many things.
This concerns me, in that, it seems she, like many in the Church, may
have never been catechized well or another family member may have been too
pushy in telling her:
- to go to Church, and
- live a sacramental life.
Ideally,
all members of the family should live a sacramental life, but if, for some
reason, they don't, we have to be careful on how to encourage them, without discouraging them, to return to Church and live a sacramental life.
Your primary goal is to find a mate that will help and assist you and your
future children in getting to Heaven; remember our earthly life is just a
drop in the ocean compared to eternity.
I just watched an EWTN show and they mentioned a web site for couples preparing
for marriage.
They have a Joy-Filled Marriage program that provides couples with a rich understanding
of the teachings of the Church and offers them the tools to live married
life as God intended.
I hope this helps.
I will keep you and your fiancée in my prayers,
Mike
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