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Barbara
wrote:
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Hi, guys —
My daughter will be getting married next September. Her
fiancé is a member of an Assemblies of God church. She
has moved 2 1/2 hours away from home to be closer to him,
and has begun attending regular Bible study classes and
services with him.
He has now convinced her that she should
leave the Catholic Church. He is, I believe, speaking through
his mother's experience who was removed from the Church
by her parents when she was 16. His family went from the
Catholic faith to a "Holiness" church.
This change
in her has happened only over the course of the last 12
months. I believe he has brainwashed her. She has convinced
him to marry in the Catholic church that she spent most
of her childhood attending, however, at this point she
will only attend a Catholic church when she is home visiting.
- Is this right?
- It would break her heart not to marry in
the Church, but if she doesn't intend on remaining a
Catholic, can she still get married in the Church?
It breaks my heart to see her
go from a thriving Catholic who has participated in
several ministries to being convinced that she no longer
believes in any of it.
- What are we to do as parents?
Barbara
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{
What should parents do if a
daughters fiancé wants her to leave
the Church and marry elsewhere? }
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Mary
Ann replied:
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Barbara —
It would be good if you could get your daughter
to meet with and ask questions of a good Catholic
priest. If she wants to marry in the Church, she
has to meet with the pastor of her Catholic parish
anyway, and soon. You can prime the
priest with knowledge of the situation and you
could get some good books by former Assembly members-turned-Catholic.
If she wants to marry in the Catholic Church, she
needs to be in the Catholic Church. She appears to
have left it, and wants to use the ceremony for style
or sentiment, not to express faith.
The sacraments
are encounters of faith. To have the grace of marriage,
and to be able to receive Holy Communion at the wedding,
she will need to confess her turning away from faith.
We are morally bound to:
- study our faith
- follow an informed conscience
- fight temptations
against faith and
- avoid things that threaten our
faith.
- Why would it break her heart not to marry in the
Church?
If she is already leaving the Church, she
is not marrying in it, and the pastor must be informed
of her plans. He will probably refuse to officiate.
If she no longer believes any of it there
is a chance that she doesn't accept what the Church
teaches on marriage. That it is:
- permanent
- exclusive and
- open to life in every act of marital intercourse
and her marriage would be invalid.
Mom, you need
to try to frame the basic issues for your daughter.
Don't facilitate what she is doing, because in the
long run, it is not good for her, even if in the
short run it brings peace or "happiness." You
may be right that she is brainwashed. If so, you
can meet unreality with reality, lies with truth,
and pray a lot. Without knowing your daughter's age,
it is hard to say more.
Mary Ann
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Barbara
replied:
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Thank
you.
She is 22, and her
fiancé is 26. She:
- participates in the Catholic Mass every time
she is home for a visit
- has been a part of Music
Ministry since she was in sixth grade
- was an altar server
- helped with Vacation Bible
study programs, and
- attended NCYC and TEC
weekends.
I don't
understand how she can now say that we, as parents,
didn't take the time to educate her.
Up until now,
her faith in the Catholic Church was strong. I
think, for her, she is not completely able to give
it up, and that's why she wants to get married in
our parish.
- Do you suggest
that I get in touch with our priest before they
begin counseling?
- Should I discuss this with
her first?
My husband and I have planned a round table discussion with
them as a couple to lay everything out on the table.
- Do you think that would be in our best interest?
I still feel as though there's a smidgen of hope
for her, but don't want to push her too far away.
Please help.
Barbara
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Mary
Ann replied:
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Barbara,
She has had a lot of Catholic experience, but probably
not much Catholic education.
Poor education was the
norm in most parishes as she grew up, and most Catholics
don't know their faith as well as their parents and
grandparents. Even if she did have a good Catholic
education through her teens, she needs adult education
for adult challenges. In her particular situation,
she would need a really good understanding of the
history of other denominations and strong faith to
withstand the confused manipulations of Scripture
by other Protestant sects.
If she has not left the faith, then, no, don't
tell the priest, but tell her that she needs to
be honest with the priest. You and your husband should
speak to her alone before you speak to both of them,
because her fiancé's presence will cause serious
problems of communication. Let her know what's at
stake. Talk to your pastor first, if need be, for
guidance. Provide her with resources like this:
Just be clear:
"Daughter dear, why are you leaving the Faith
of your childhood, of your Fathers, of the whole
Christian world from 33AD until Martin Luther?
if you think what he is telling you about Catholicism
is accurate, you are wrong.
He doesn't know Christian
history.
You have an obligation to learn about your faith,
and witness to him. There are answers to everything
he tells you.
Why should you give up your faith, unexamined,
your beliefs and traditions, because a man who
doesn't understand them wants you to give them
up?
If you follow him, you go back on your Confirmation
promises and gifts,
you foreswear your baptismal
commitment, you leave behind Christ in the Eucharist
and the other sacraments.
If you truly think the Assembly of God denomination
is true, please read its history, and study it carefully,
and read what they say about the Catholic Church,
and study the answers to it.
Your soul is at stake. Your marriage is at stake.
A mixed marriage between a Catholic and an Assembly
of God member is very difficult. The question of
children will cause much discord.
Love is not enough. Love and truth go together." |
If she can't take your being clear about the issues,
then she is not operating out of conviction. Get
some pamphlets, get some books, get some CD's
and DVD's. Prep yourself and be ready for him.
Maybe
you can convert him!
Mary Ann
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Mary
Ann followed up:
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Barbara —
I forgot to mention. She may attend Mass, of
course, but she may not receive Communion.
She must
confess not attending Mass on Sunday, [and/or] confess
her abandonment of faith (apostasy).
She has joined
with a non-Catholic group in worship and in belief,
a group that is very
anti-Catholic. She can't be
both, and needs to choose. Part of helping her to
choose is pointing
out that she may not receive Communion.
If she insists, you should tell the pastor, so that
a sacrilege is not committed. It seems harsh, but
receiving Holy Communion without believing is very, very harmful
to us, as Scripture says. (1 Corinthians 11:23-29)
Mary Ann
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After
e-mail dialogues between the AskACatholic.com team,
Mary
Ann followed up:
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Barbara —
My colleagues pointed out that I was wrong to use
the word apostasy — which technically
refers to a Christian becoming a non-Christian. Your
daughter, rather, is toying with heresy. She may
be sincere, or she may be going along out of love,
or she may not care one way or the other.
The fact
that she goes back and forth seems to indicate that
she thinks it makes no difference,
or that there
is no difference except for some arcane beliefs and some
differences in worship.
- Does she know about the sacraments and
what they are?
- Does she know any Church history?
- Does she know that now Protestant Churches will
split off into new churches over one Bible verse
(according to a convert minister on the Journey
Home).
The main
question is authority, that is, what is the source.
- What is the source of their teaching and their practice?
- Is it from Christ?
Perhaps these issues mean little
to your daughter, but you don't need to minimize
them for her sake, or to keep peace. This is a very
teachable moment for her. It may be that she has
found the power of the Holy Spirit in the Assembly
of God, but, if so, why would she casually come back
to the Catholic Church?
In other words, it doesn't
seem that she is having a serious intellectual and
spiritual conversion and awakening, but rather is
doing this for the relationship. The more she
focuses on their Bible study and worship, the more
she will be drawn in. She should devote at least
that same amount of time to Catholic study, which
she has not done as an adult.
That is something you
can challenge her on.
Mary Ann
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Barbara
replied:
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Mary Ann,
Thank you so much!
Barbara
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