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KeepingItASecret wrote:

Hello,

I am in my teens and recently went to another state. I met a boy who I found out is somewhat related to me. His grandfather was a cousin of my mother before he passed away. We look nothing alike and have only seen each other three times.

We are now beginning to care about each other deeply and want to pursue a possible relationship. My questions are:

  • What does the Church think about relationships between third or fourth cousins as in this situation?
  • How can I break this to my family?
  • Should I feel guilty?

Thank you very much. It is hurting me to keep things secret.

I appreciate any help.

KeepingItASecret

  { What does the Church think about possible teenage relationships between third or fourth cousins? }

Eric replied:

KeepingItASecret —

Canon law on this matter can take some odd twists so I'm hesitant to give an absolute yes
but I'm confident your relationship would be acceptable, although it may require a dispensation.

My understanding is that it is those in the direct line (i.e. direct descendants and ancestors), siblings, first cousins, and others within that degree, that are forbidden. You, being more distant cousins, should be OK. Although I have access to canon law, I am not a canonist and the language is very technical (and, based on the research I did for this answer, the methods of reckoning consanguinity are quite varied throughout history) so I dare not draw any firm conclusions.

I'm sorry I can't provide anything definitive. I just have to be careful. You want to speak to a canon lawyer, though a priest would possibly be competent enough to answer this. The question pertains to acceptable degrees of consanguinity.

Two canon lawyers you might be able to search for are Pete Vere and Edward Peters.

Dr. Peters has a site at canonlaw.info, though I found little pertinent information on the site.

Eric

Mary Ann replied:

Dear KeepingItASecret,

  • Why should you keep this new friend a secret?

Especially since he is a relative! The relationship you describe, if it is indeed true (and you would need your mother to confirm it), would be that of a third cousin, and it would be permissible for a marriage. However, you are in no position to be thinking about marriage.

There is no harm in the friendship you have now, except in the secrecy you have for some reason adopted and except for what you might mean by pursue a possible relationship.

You have a relationship, that of third or fourth cousins, where both of you like each other very much (though you should check out the validity of the cousin's claim).

You may correspond, call, and visit, all with parental permission but to keep a long distance relationship a secret from your parents is not good.

God bless you both.

Mary Ann

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