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Hi, Kelly —
St. Teresa said it is better to have
a learned director than a holy one.
To do the most difficult thing is
not always the right answer. Thomas
Aquinas says, and the Church agrees,
that virtue becomes easier with practice,
and that ultimately, it is ease that
characterizes virtue.
I don't think this is an issue that
is necessarily settled in the What
does God want me to do? mode,
but first by looking at Catholic
teaching on the order of ways to
know God's will.
First comes the commandments, then
the duties of your state in life,
and then circumstances.
One uses prayer for light on all
of these.
There is a commandment that applies,
in that you should respect your husband,
who is over you in major, major decisions.
There is a commandment also involved
(the sixth commandment) in that the unity
of marriage should be respected — so
it appears that leaving him is ruled
out.
There are the duties in your state
of life: you are her mother, but
she is an adult, with all the public
resources available to an adult.
You would have a duty to take her
in and help her if she had a problem
that you know you could relieve.
However, experience of professionals
tells us that you cannot control
your daughter's behavior, nor her
taking of medication, nor anything
about her.
It's not as if she has a broken back
and can recuperate at your house.
You cannot provide structure for
her because the lack of structure
is in her own mind. You cannot force
her to take pills, and even if you
did, it would create an oppositional
relationship that would be harmful
for her.
There are the circumstances, which
you and your husband can evaluate
with a professional:
- Exactly in what condition is
your daughter?
- What is her prognosis?
- What are the resources available
to her?
There are many ways that she can
be supported that lie between gone and move
in.
- People have disability payment,
for instance, for schizophrenia. They
can live off those.
- There are group homes.
- There are support groups and
public health people that monitor
med's.
There is a lot besides you, that
can both help her and hold her accountable.
Another circumstance is the state
of your marriage. There is also the
future, your retirement, your home,
your health insurance, all sorts
of considerations. There is your
mental health, and your safely.
I think that what is happening here
is that your love for her, and your
distress at seeing her suffering,
and your desire to rescue, are getting
the upper hand. It's almost the same
as with an alcoholic. You would be
risking your safety if you took her
in, and you would be sacrificing
your marriage. Neither one is God's
will, and even if your husband were
on board, you do not have any moral
obligation to take her in. We cannot
say what God's will is, but it is
not some magical thing discerned
through emotion or idealism. It is
very down to earth, and realistic,
and respects basic goods.
Any psychiatrist will tell you that
you cannot fix your daughter, and
may very well hurt her. If you take
her in, you will learn this the very,
very hard way, and years later, having
lost a daughter or husband, and with
a broken bank account and a broken
heart.
That said, if you and your
husband get permission from her (needed
nowadays) to talk with her accompanied by her psychiatrist, you might get some pointers
on:
- what is best
- what you can do,
and
- what you can't do.
Mary Ann
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