You must feel sad and betrayed, but
your daughter's treatment of you
must be considered apart from the
fact of who her sponsor is. In any
case, it is hurtful to you, and I
am sorry for that.
As for the sponsor, canon law requires
that the Confirmation sponsor be
a Catholic who has himself or herself
been confirmed and leads a
life in harmony with the faith and
the role to be undertaken.
your husband's girlfriend is a practicing
confirmed Catholic, she qualifies
on that score.
- If she is living with
your husband, then she is living
in an objective state of sin, and
therefore would not be an appropriate
sponsor, and would in addition be
a source of scandal to others.
the marriage is not annulled, and
she is sleeping with him or living
with him, she is committing (objectively)
adultery and fornication, and so
is not living a life in harmony with
Even dating a married
man would be a source of scandal.
There are many ways that she is an
It is sad that you were not included
in this. She may have chosen her
father's new girlfriend as a way of choosing her
dad (because sponsors are traditionally
of the same sex as the confirmand).
If she had asked you, you could have
explained to her that you are glad
she wants to honor her father, and
that you do want them to have a close
relationship, but that there are
serious considerations to choosing
the sponsor. It would have been a
teachable moment (something that
should have been also done in her
preparation classes). As it is, she
has hurt you unnecessarily by going
behind your back and by picking someone
whose presence will make the celebration
a source of pain for you, while taking
the focus off of the Confirmation
What you can do: First, go to your
pastor (who usually would be asking
for a baptismal certificate and a
letter from her pastor testifying
to her Catholic life and practice).
Tell him the story (without the personal
hurt part — that is separate)
and ask him what is the best way
- Perhaps the request for the letter
Perhaps by talking to your husband
- Perhaps by your daughter taking
this up with her father (after
the pastor talks with her).
After all, she is going to be an
adult in the faith, so it is time
for her to stand up for the faith.
As the child of a broken marriage,
often the desire to make peace and
keep in contact overwhelms all other
considerations. And, if it's any
comfort, it's often the absent parent
who gets the benefit of the doubt,
and the on-hand parent
who gets the grief. That's normal.
God bless these next few days for you!