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Monika wrote:

Hi, guys —

I hope you can help me and give me some wise advice.

My name is Monika and I have been married for two years now. I have been with my husband seven years in total. I am a Roman Catholic however my husband is a non-believer. We got married in a Catholic Church.

For the past three years I have been feeling a need for a baby and been speaking to my husband about it. Initially, his argument was that we weren't married nor did we own a house. I found his arguments reasonable so I was waiting until we got married and got the house. Unfortunately, nothing has changed since then and I have kept hearing other excuses why it's not a right time to have a baby.

I have respected his opinion and needs for years now but recently something has changed and I realized that he will never be ready for a baby. It is very difficult to have an open and honest conversation with him in order to find out why he is so scared of having a baby. The only arguments I picked up from him were:

  1. it's too early for a baby and
  2. that we cannot afford it (I proved to him that we would be able to cope) and that he is worried he wouldn't be a good father as he feels he is still a child himself.
    (I am 30 and he is 28.)

A month ago I told him that I cannot see a future with him if he doesn't want children and that we should go separate ways. He was shocked but then agreed to try for a baby. We tried once then I noticed he became very cold, snappy, and distant from me. Whenever I was trying to get closer to him, he was pushing me away and I didn't know the reason for this.

Yesterday he finally admitted that he changed his mind and no longer wanted to try for a baby!

My response to this was that I am going to file for a divorce, as I cannot see myself waiting for something that may never come. He agreed saying that we are incompatible then went to sleep. It broke my heart hearing this from his mouth, I couldn't sleep all night. When I woke up in the morning, he had gone to work but left me a note apologizing and begging not to leave him (This is what he does every time we argue).

I have really thought about our situation over and over again and although it breaks my heart, as I really love him, I feel the best thing I can do is to apply for annulment of our marriage on the grounds of him not wanting kids. I want to find someone who has the same desire to have a Catholic family as me.

I hope you can give me your thoughts on what I have said. I want to find a solution that is right with me and God.


  { Can you provide some advice for a wife, longing to have a baby, with a husband who refuses to? }

Bob replied:


You are right that this marriage has grounds for an annulment since it lacks openness to life which, in the eyes of our faith, is one of the essential components to Marriage.

Your husband's begging and apologies stem from his desire to manipulate and seek his own interests; they are not genuine.

I would follow your good instincts and better sense.


Bob Kirby

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