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CanYouAdvise Carl wrote:

Hi guys,

I'm a married Catholic and I have two children. My wife works a full-time job and she doesn't want any more children because she can't handle any more life pressures. She feels so tired each time I bring up the subject of having a new baby and she gets upset with me.

  • Is it a mortal sin for me to masturbate her vagina until she climaxes during intercourse?

I do this because I love her and usually I climax before she does and leave her so she doesn't get too upset. In normal intercourse, I climax and finish before she does and that can create some tensions between us. I just don't want our relationship to be broken.

Please advise,


  { Is it a mortal sin for me to masturbate her vagina until she climaxes during intercourse? }

Bob replied:

Dear Carl,

It is not a sin to assist your wife in completing the sexual act even if it involves manual stimulation. It may actually be uncharitable to leave her in a state of incompleteness. The basic guideline is that when you ejaculate you do it in the context of intercourse and not utilize any artificial barriers (birth control) so as to prevent pregnancy. It would not be okay for her to manually stimulate you to the point of ejaculation without intercourse, because your climax releases sperm which have, as their natural object, the female's ovum. A female's orgasm is a spasm of the cervix meant to actually facilitate the journey of the sperm. It used to be thought that there was no reproductive benefit to her orgasm, but science has learned otherwise so you finishing first is actually normal and the way nature intended it.

If you want to abstain from sex during her fertile time in order to reduce the likelihood of conception you can learn about NFP {Natural Family Planning) which does not violate the integrity of the marital act. You can search online for more info on that.

You and your wife should pray together, and talk more openly about how to keep faithful to God in your sex life, knowing that this aspect of your relationship is very sacred, and it will impact your whole life together, if you do it wrongly.

Assure her of your love in a variety of ways, not just in the bedroom — find other ways to help her feel less stress. The best way to de-stress is to pray, and she needs more trust that God is with her in everything. Pray for her, that God will give her peace.


Bob Kirby

Carl replied:

Dear Bob,

I would like to thank you for your fast reply.

  • Is this your opinion or is this Catholic Church teaching?
  • Is this a mortal sin, if I ejaculate unintentionally while I'm trying to arouse her before intercourse?



Bob replied:

Carl —

This is Church teaching. Keep in mind a mortal sin requires a deliberate act of the will; if you ejaculate by accident because you were over stimulated before intercourse that is not a mortal sin—you will just have to take greater care to avoid that, which isn't that difficult if you use a little prudence and common sense (know your limits).

There is a learning curve on mastering control of your body, but keep in mind the true focus of love making is just that — love. Tell your wife you love her, you are grateful for her, that you are happy that God has blessed you both with a wonderful family, and that you want your intimate time together to bring joy and closeness between you both — and openness to however God wants to use your love to expand His kingdom. Make sure you and she are on the same page as to openness to life. That is where your love will flourish, but it requires you to be extra sensitive to her, more loving and the best provider you can be, relying on God to help you in everything. That doesn't mean you have to hope for children every time you make love, but you must remember that God is the Lord of your body, your marriage, your family, your future and everything else.

If you and your wife can get to this place, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and lovingly, you will have exactly what God wants for you.


Bob Kirby

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