Stressed-Dating Sara
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Hi, guys —
I was hoping you could give me some advice on a dating relationship I have. I'm a 21-year-old female and I have a 22-years-old boyfriend.
He is such a nice person, so kind, affectionate, charismatic and charming. I see him across the room, no matter if I'm sad, mad, annoyed, he is so goofy and breathtakingly handsome. I love him. I want him to grow in faith, be happy and be successful; he's a good guy. He sometimes joins me and invites himself to go to Mass with me. We attend a middle school Bible class, and once went to Confession together. After Confession, I didn't want to do anything sexual, but I didn't tell him that; I've just been avoiding it. The problem is, he disagrees or is ignorant about premarital sexual stuff and I'm stressing to explain myself.
I'm wondering if I should just break up, assuming his heart won't change or give him a chance by telling him what I'm truthfully doing. I worry that if I take a chance, he'll eventually tire me out with pressure or dump me. He tempts me and it's just been weighing on my mind.
I keep speculating his intentions, because he, doesn't and, hasn't made any effort to protect my purity; he's just waiting until I'm weak and it's disappointing.
I haven't even told him I love him, because I really love him. If I say it, when I think God may want us to go our separate ways, it will make it so hard and difficult.
I know he cares for me, he sings me songs, plays my favorite music on a piano or guitar, asked me to be his girlfriend in a cute gazebo and he sometimes stops by to pray to God, and buys me exotic candies. It's hard; it's really difficult because he's so great. It is literally just the sex-part that I want to slap him for and make him leave me alone. Maybe I'm blinded and he's manipulative; I have no idea.
I think it may be possible to keep some kind of friendship; I would keep in touch, once a month or so.
I just wanted some advice on:
- what should I do
- how should I do it, and
- maybe something I could do that will open his eyes and make him realize he should let me go if he continues to be lustful.
Stressed Sarah
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Can you provide some dating advice on handling my boyfriend who believes in premarital sex? }
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Bob replied:
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Dear Sarah,
Thanks for the question.
You are facing what millions of good Catholic girls have for centuries. You can do a couple of different things, but whatever you do — Do Not Give In To Sex Outside of Marriage! You know that, but you are concerned about being manipulated, so now is the time for a test, one for him, and one for you!
- I would have your father talk to him — if you have a father. This has been the job of fathers all throughout history, and sadly our culture has eliminated it as a normal routine. Instead, young people feel embarrassed about having a discussion with parents, but you are probably still living under your parents care and responsibility, so he has jurisdiction on these matters. You are fully an adult when you rely on no one else, especially parents, for any part of your care and expenses. Think about that. To be an adult, you can't rely on any one else for support in material matters. So if they, in any way, support you materially, your father is the point person on this. As the head of your household, your father has a special commission from God to look out for you. A good father should be able to talk to him about his intentions, the purity you wish to safeguard and the honor of your family.
It is, but it is biblical and Jesus wouldn't do any differently if you were his daughter
— and . . . aren't you God's daughter?
Time to ponder that.
- Secondly, you should not be alone with him in any circumstances that may lead you to suffer temptation. That's why chaperones used to be part of the equation. Now you have to chaperone yourself.
- Talk to him about your values and that sex before marriage is out of the question, and that you expect him to be on the same page on that issue.
(Get over being afraid of this conversation.)
If he is not willing to support you in that, then you are not meant for each other. Period. If he is a real man, he will respect you and desire you even more, and then work harder to prove he is worthy of you. If he simply wants to seduce you, he will act like a boy and his true character will be revealed. You want to marry a man, not a boy; cuteness goes away when character diminishes.
- You are worth the wait. Don't ever let the liar (satan) convince you otherwise. You will secure the best man for a life together when you do it God's way so if this guy steps up, great; if he doesn't, move on.
Peace,
Bob Kirby
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