Will,

My heart honestly really goes out to you and your wife concerning this extremely difficult situation. You face a very tough choice; that is undeniable.

I think I am qualified to address your question, though, as I have thought long and hard about this situation, because it's the situation my mother and father were in when my mother gave birth to me. She barely survived my birth and during it they discovered she had a congenital heart defect that led the doctors to advise that she not have any more children.

My parents were not practicing Catholics, so they opted to contracept. I have asked myself, being a devout practicing Catholic, what I would do, and after much thought, knowing that the Church's teaching is that artificial contraception is intrinsically immoral, and knowing the long-term unreliability of artificial contraception anyway (even Planned Parenthood says the pill is only 91% effective), I had to conclude that I would cease having relations with my wife until she hit menopause.

Sure, there is the option of ultra-conservative NFP, but who wants to take that risk?

Sometimes we're dealt a very difficult hand in life. The Hail, Holy Queen calls it a valley of tears, but for those who are faithful in this life, to the degree that they are faithful, they will lay up treasure in Heaven for the life to come. A few years of difficulty and pain in this life will lead to literally millions of years of greater joy in the life to come.

That being said, I am not in the situation as you are (I've never even been married.) and it's easy to play armchair quarterback. I can't judge you for what you decide do. All I can do is affirm that the Church's teaching on artificial contraception admits no exceptions, even for extremely difficult cases like this, and, while having some appreciation for your difficulty, I encourage you to stand firm.

Eric

Will,

The Church has ruled that if in a married couple, one spouse wants to use contraception and the other does not, under certain conditions it's possible for the spouse that does not want to use artificial contraception to tolerate their spouse's use of contraception. You cannot materially participate in it, and there are other conditions.

So, for example, if your wife has her tubes tied, and you do not agree with her on it or help her with it, (i.e. she's doing it entirely on her own), and you meet the other conditions, you may not have to avoid intercourse but if she asks you to use a condom, that would not be licit, since you'd be materially participating in contraception.

If you were able to go this route, you could satisfy your wife's demands without sinning if you did not participate in the contraception yourself and met the conditions.

I'd advise you to consult a priest, however. I am not trained in pastoral ministry and I don't believe any of my colleagues are.

I believe the details about the other conditions are here:

• Vademecum for Confessors Concerning Some Aspects of the Morality of Conjugal Life from the Pontifical Council for the Family, Vatican City, February 12, 1997.

(See Nos. 13 and 14 under 3. Pastoral Guidelines for Confessors, as well as footnote 46 and its referenced Encyclical.)

Eric