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Confused Carolynn
wrote:
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Hi, guys—
Someone told me that I shouldn't consider getting married
because of a transplant I need which may make having
children impossible — and per the Church's teachings:
Marriage is for procreation.
This really upset me. My boyfriend said yeah but your husband
already has kids.
(Craig who can never make up his mind if
he wants to get re-married again has four girls: 13, 14, 19
and 20 years old.)
Carolynn
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{
Will a transplant prevent me from getting married and what are your thoughts on my relationship? }
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Mike replied:
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Hi Carolynn,
It's my understanding that there is no problem at all with you getting
married.
Both couples have to be open to bringing forth new life but some couples
can't for medical reasons.
— The key is both couples have to be open to bringing forth
new life.
In cases where there is a medical issue involved, the Church would encourage
adoption.
Read Mary Ann's answer in this posting as well:
I know we have answered this question. I just can't find it in our knowledge base.
Mike
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Mary Ann replied:
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Carolynn,
If you must avoid children for medical reasons, the only moral requirement
is that you not use contraception.
Instead you would use Natural Family
Planning ( NFP ) which is more effective and healthier, anyway.
Mary Ann
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Eric replied:
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Hi Carolynn,
If I understand you correctly, you are in a medical situation where having
children is possible (i.e. you are fertile) but would gravely jeopardize
your life. While marriage means many things in Catholicism (i.e. it's not only for
having children), an essential component is fruitfulness; we can never
for any reason do anything to render the marital act infertile.
For this
reason, while it is extremely difficult (my own mother was in the situation),
someone who is fertile, but must avoid children for medical reasons, has
only one option, and that is strategic abstinence. It is possible, with
NFP, to determine with great accuracy the periods of greatest infertility
and have intercourse during those periods. While NFP's accuracy is quite
impressive, I'm not sure I'd bet my life on this. The only totally safe
option is complete abstinence until menopause.
Eric
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Carolynn replied:
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I hope I'm not bothering you.
If I am please tell me.
At St Peter's Cathedral where we go, the sermon dealt with the
unmarried woman versus the married woman.
I am concerned because I left the Church upon graduation from college. I grew
up as part of a dysfunctional family where I was an outcast among my peers
whose parents were all married. My mom went to the pastor when I was 16 to talk
about me and he told her I should be institutionalized. I am 32 and that still
sticks in my head.
Craig has been an influence in guiding me. He is concerned that
I see him too
high, but I see it more as the basis of a Christian family — the
way it should be or at least from what I can tell, from not having a regular
family. My parents should not have stayed married — my dad was physically
and verbally abusive and put down my mom for her going to church.
I feel that if I did not have someone in my life to guide me or encourage
me, I would lose interest. I've watched myself do it over the years.
In High school, I was very involved with my high school sweetheart's church
youth group and our pastor really got the kids into Christian rock. I met a
lot of bands: Petra, Newsboys, Holy Soldier, Guardian. I used to have a great
voice before needing a set of lungs and got to sing with them on stage in an
arena.
Anyhow I get discouraged and get mad at God. (Craig warns me about this.)
I feel I do better with someone at my side, however I am so afraid I will never
get married. Craig brought me back to the church by his example and assistance.
I know God has a purpose for my life. I was born 3 months premature in 1976
at 1 lb. 6oz. They gave me 1% chance to live. Now 32 years later, I am up against
living and dying again and I'm still here against all odds. Craig's birth is
actually kind of similar.
I asked Craig one day if he could get married in the Catholic Church and he
said he wasn't answering that question. He had been previously married because
his former wife got pregnant, but they divorced after 17 years of her non-treated,
mental health abuse.
Here is another thing:
I have never received Communion. All my friends growing up were Catholic and I
saw them receiving First Communion. My mom wanted that to be my decision.
I never did receive my First Communion and at some point I sat back and said,
- I have nothing else pure in my life, wouldn't my wedding be a good time where
I could put on a white dress and do the one pure thing I have never
done?
- Either that or maybe the Church would allow a private wedding with friends
and family?
You
probably think this is really stupid; just something in my head. Craig
said he didn't know why I didn't partake in my First Communion but I figured
I would tell him why when I was ready.
Carolynn
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Mike replied:
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Hi Carolynn,
The best way to get back on the appropriate track is to work on the spiritual
part of your life first.
My primary advice:
I don't know if St. Peters is a Pentecostal or Presbyterian church
but I would recommend finding a Catholic priest known for his holiness
and loyalty to the Church's teachings. Make an appointment with
him and share with him your questions, concerns and situation. He can
probably spiritually guide you appropriately and find you a home in the
Catholic church where everyone belongs.
Second:
Pray the Rosary I sent you on a daily basis and ask Our Lord and Our
Lady to guide you appropriately. The Rosary is the weapon against Satan
and his invisible legion.
Third:
You said:
But I see it more as the basis of a Christian family
— the way it should be.
For many yes, but there is nothing wrong Carolynn with being single; even
St. Paul states in Scripture that if you can be single, it is best, because
you have more free time to aid and work for the Lord.
5 Do not refuse one another except perhaps by agreement for a season,
that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again,
lest Satan tempt you through lack of self-control. 6 I say this by way
of concession, not of command. 7 I wish that all were as I myself am. But
each has his own special gift from God, one of one kind and one of another. 8 To the unmarried and the widows I say
that it is well for them to remain single as I do. 9 But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should
marry. For it is better to marry than to be aflame with passion. 10 To
the married I give charge, not I but the Lord, that the wife should not
separate from her husband 11 (but if she does, let her remain single or
else be reconciled to her husband) --and that the husband should not divorce
his wife.
1 Corinthians 7:5-11
Fourth:
I know that Craig has helped guide you back to the church. That doesn't
mean you owe him a marital commitment for life. You are your own person.
The children are Craig's children and responsibility, not yours.
My concern is that, in your desire to be part of a [non-dysfunctional]
Christian family environment; one you were never
brought up in, you want
to marry a person you may not necessarily totally love. Sure, you may
want to marry him, but for the wrong reasons.
Your
concern should be is your spiritual and physical welfare first. You say
in a previous e-mail to me:
Thank you Mike. The other responses — in
my opinion and because of my situation — were a bit harsh.
I cannot even consider having children before my transplant pregnancy,
as it would crush my organs, and if I were able to go enough of a
term, the child would be deprived of O2. After my transplant,
they honestly don't know what to tell me — there isn't a lot
of research on 30 year olds needing lung transplants. They are
concerned it would mess up my rejection medication.
Because of all of this, I have financial and emotional
issues. I do not think I could raise a younger child. Like I said,
If it is God's Will for Craig and I to end up together I'll pursue
it, but he has four children.
I probably shouldn't be thinking like this
because I don't know what Craig really thinks. One day he wants to
marry me, one day he doesn't. He got divorced because his
ex-wife was verbally abusive. Trust me I have gotten a brunt
of it too — she said to him within my ear shot that he is staying with me until I die, in 3 years, so he can collect
my possessions - house, cars, etc.) |
What I have bolded does not sound like love. It sounds like selfishness.
My concern is that Craig may be using you because he needs someone to care
for his four children.
This would explain why one day he wants marriage and one
day he doesn't. If you have been intimate with him, it only makes things
worst, because you are more prone to being subjective and emotional;
therefore you loose your objectivity.
You said:
I asked Craig one day if he could get married in
the Catholic Church and he said he wasn't answering that question.
This makes me wonder if he has some hostility against the Church.
RE: Communion:
Pentecostal or Presbyterian communities do not have valid
Holy Orders so they do not have a valid Eucharist.
The only way, generally, to receive the Body and Blood of Our Lord is
by talking to the priest about becoming a Catholic.
My summary: Seek out a solid Catholic priest known for his holiness and
love for the Church and receive some guidance and help from him. The Church
has many ministries to help people in a variety of difficult situations.
Finally, pray the Rosary on a regular basis.
Mike
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Mary Ann replied:
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Carolynn,
I would like to add that Craig's previous marriage would be easily found
to be invalid because of her pregnancy . . . one needs a dispensation to marry
while pregnant, because otherwise the Church feels that the pregnancy is
unduly influencing the decision to marry.
I would like to second Mike's remarks: If you are living with Craig and
caring for his children, he is certainly benefiting from you without you
having the benefit of a commitment.
You have a right to insist on marriage.
Perhaps I missed something about you being married civilly, though . . . if
so, the only issue would be to get the marriage blessed in the Church
and, to do that, he would need the declaration of nullity. They must try
to contact Craig's previous wife, but her cooperation is not absolutely
essential, especially since the pregnancy can easily be proven, and Craig
can testify to his own state of interior freedom to consent.
As for First Communion, I am sorry you did not have the chance to undergo
that wonderful celebration. Please talk to a priest about what would be
necessary to make your First Communion. It would entail some religious
education and some decisions about your living situation with Craig: (abstinence,
unless married).
As for your parents, I am sorry for your experience. Believe it or not,
almost any parents (except those who abuse children) are better than divorce.
Divorce splits the child's psyche and makes him paper it over with denial.
It can become a void that constantly seeks filling.
As for your lungs, pray about this. Be sure your transplant comes from
someone truly dead, and not declared dead for his or her organs, which
happens more and more now. There are Catholic hospitals who follow better
protocols than others when it comes to the tests for brain death.
I will pray for your healing and strength and continued growth in love
for yourself and others.
The Rosary Mike gave you will be a gateway to
great wisdom and courage.
God bless.
Mary Ann
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