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I am 60 years old. I have never been married
and I have never had sexual relations with
a man or women. I am attracted to my own sex
but, like I said above, I have never had sexual
relations.
I have never lived in or been a part of the
homosexual community and would never consider
doing that. I have not come out of the closet, as they say, and never will. I've
hidden this all my life. My only means of
sexual gratification is masturbation.
I am a practicing Catholic who attends Mass
every Sunday and sometimes during the week.
I go to Confession at least once a month and
sometimes weekly. I feel trapped in my sins
of (impurity|masturbation) and I know how
wrong it is. I have no problem confessing
this particular sin but, all too often, I
fall back into it.
I've prayed to have this cross taken away
but the habit is now so much of me, I don't
see anything that can help. I feel like
I have a free pass to commit these sins then
just run off to Confession so everything is
OK for a few weeks or so. I'm starting to
think that I shouldn't go to Confession because
I can't be truly sorry if I keep going back
and doing the same thing over and over again.
It's my understanding that if I die with this
sin on my soul, which the Church says is a
mortal sin,
I end up in Hell. All of the above issues are psychological
and sexual problems that I have never been
able to deal with.
I'm totally lost and afraid and would appreciate
your advice.
Jenny
{
What's your advice for a 60-year-old gal who struggles with concupiscence
and sins of the flesh? }
Mike
replied:
Hi Jenny,
If you search our knowledge base of postings I think you will get a lot of good advice.
Concupiscence or sins of the flesh are struggles we will always have until we are six feet under the ground : )
The key is:
receiving the Sacrament of Confession
when we fall
not doing dummy things, like
receiving Holy Communion without
first going to Confession. (the
Pope goes to Confession weekly!)
praying on a regular basis, and
having a healthy view of
the demonic
What do I mean by that last one?
I mean acknowledging that there are real invisible demonic bastard's
that place bad thoughts in our
mind and only want to see our soul
in one place: Hell, while at the
same time acknowledging that there
are real invisible holy helpers,
called Guardian Angels that assist
us in keeping the soul holy.
When I say a balanced view I also
mean: not seeing satan or the
devil in every mishap that happens
in your life but trusting that
Our Loving, Merciful God is always
there to help and assist us. Remember He
was tempted like us and
a man like us in all things but sin!!
It also means remembering that, if
we persevere with the Lord, we win at the end.
Here are some search engine results
that should provide some information
to learn from.
I highly encourage you to read them
and remember some of our greatest
saints, like
St. Augustine, struggled with the
same struggles most all of us have,
so you are in good company.
For a sin to be mortal it must include all three conditions:
It must be a grave matter.
We need sufficient time to reflect upon the sin we are about to commit
and then must make the decision to sin anyway.
We must give full consent of the will to commit the sin.
1854 Sins are rightly evaluated according to their gravity. The distinction
between mortal and venial sin, already evident in Scripture, (cf. 1 John 5:16-17) became
part of the tradition of the Church. It is corroborated by human experience.
1855 Mortal sin destroys charity in the heart of man by a grave violation
of God's law; it turns man away from God, who is his ultimate end and
his beatitude, by preferring an inferior good to him.
Venial sin allows charity to subsist, even though it offends and wounds
it.
1856 Mortal sin, by attacking the vital principle within us - that
is, charity - necessitates a new initiative of God's mercy and a conversion
of heart which is normally accomplished within the setting of the sacrament
of reconciliation:
When the will sets itself upon something that is of its nature incompatible
with the charity that orients man toward his ultimate end, then
the sin is mortal by its very object . . . whether it contradicts
the love of God, such as blasphemy or perjury, or the love of neighbor,
such as homicide or adultery. . . . But when the sinner's will is
set upon something that of its nature involves a disorder, but is
not opposed to the love of God and neighbor, such as thoughtless
chatter or immoderate laughter and the like, such sins are venial.
St. Thomas Aquinas, STh I-II,88,2, corp. art.
1857 For a sin to be mortal, three conditions must together be met: Mortal sin is sin whose:
1858 Grave matter is specified by the Ten Commandments, corresponding to the answer of Jesus to the rich young man: Do not kill, Do not commit adultery, Do not steal, Do not bear false witness, Do not defraud, Honor your father and your mother.(Mark 10:19) The gravity of sins is more or less great: murder is graver than theft. One must also take into account who is wronged: violence against parents is in itself graver than violence against a stranger.
1859 Mortal sin requires full knowledge and complete consent. It presupposes knowledge of the sinful character of the act, of its opposition to God's law. It also implies a consent sufficiently deliberate to be a personal choice. Feigned ignorance and hardness of heart (cf. Mark 3:5-6; Luke 16:19-31) do not diminish, but rather increase, the voluntary character of a sin.
1860 Unintentional ignorance can diminish or even remove the imputability of a grave offense. But no one is deemed to be ignorant of the principles of the moral law, which are written in the conscience of every man. The promptings of feelings and passions can also diminish the voluntary and free character of the offense, as can external pressures or pathological disorders. Sin committed through malice, by deliberate choice of evil, is the gravest.
1861 Mortal sin is a radical possibility of human freedom, as is love itself. It results in the loss of charity and the privation of sanctifying grace, that is, of the state of grace. If it is not redeemed by repentance and God's forgiveness, it causes exclusion from Christ's kingdom and the eternal death of Hell, for our freedom has the power to make choices for ever, with no turning back. However, although we can judge that an act is in itself a grave offense, we must entrust judgment of persons to the justice and mercy of God.
1862 One commits venial sin when, in a less serious matter, he does not observe the standard prescribed by the moral law, or when he disobeys the moral law in a grave matter, but without full knowledge or without complete consent.
1863 Venial sin weakens charity; it manifests a disordered affection for created goods; it impedes the soul's progress in the exercise of the virtues and the practice of the moral good; it merits temporal punishment. Deliberate and unrepented venial sin disposes us little by little to commit mortal sin. However venial sin does not break the covenant with God. With God's grace it is humanly reparable. "Venial sin does not deprive the sinner of sanctifying grace, friendship with God, charity, and consequently eternal happiness." (Pope St. John Paul II, Reconciliatio et Paenitentia 17 § 9)
While he is in the flesh, man cannot help but have at least some light sins. But do not despise these sins which we call light: if you take them for light when you weigh them, tremble when you count them. A number of light objects makes a great mass; a number of drops fills a river; a number of grains makes a heap. What then is our hope? Above all, confession. (St. Augustine, In ep. Jo. 1,6:PL 35,1982.)
1864 "Therefore I tell you, every sin and blasphemy will be forgiven men, but the blasphemy against the Spirit will not be forgiven." (Matthew 12:31; cf. Mark 3:29; Luke 12:10) There are no limits to the mercy of God, but anyone who deliberately refuses to accept his mercy by repenting, rejects the forgiveness of his sins and the salvation offered by the Holy Spirit. (cf. John Paul II, Dominum et Vivificanum 46.) Such hardness of heart can lead to final impenitence and eternal loss.
Hope this helps,
Mike
Jenny
replied:
Hi, Mike —
Thank you for your response. I
really do appreciate the time you
took to respond to the many issues
I sent. I neglected to tell you one
thing about myself that certainly
has had a major affect on who I am
today.
I was born with a cleft palate and
lip — a double whammy as far
as that is concerned. I shed all
the tears I will ever shed over this
birth defect years and years ago. I
live with it and deal with it the
best I can but the psychological
damage from it is probably a major
reason for many issues of concern
in my life. Every once in awhile,
I get angry at God about all this
and tell him so
— I don't really think He minds
though.
I read the web postings you noted in your
reply to me and they do help to a
certain degree.
The section on mortal and venial
sin leaves me somewhat confused.
The average Catholic would
not have a clue what this is all
about. I have not heard a homily
on this subject since I was a kid.
I would almost guarantee that most
Catholics would not have a clue on
the seriousness and consequences
of mortal sin.
I know that most (easily 90%) of
the Catholics I know, within my own
family and friends, do not attend
Mass nor receive any of the Sacraments
at all. They don't seem to really
care either. They are all good people
leading good lives but have no interest
at all in practicing their faith.
Do all these people end up in
Hell?
I pray for them and will continue
to until my dying day because I also
believe in God's Divine Mercy.
Jenny
Mike
replied:
Hi, Jenny —
You are absolutely right on the poor
catechesis within the Church. This
is why studying and reading the Catechism
is so important.
RE: your family situation:
No one can judge another person or
family member's soul. We all have
different educational
and religious backgrounds, as well as emotional,
maturity, and other medical issues that form our personality and views of life.
In most cases, this does not excuse
anyone from what they should do as
a practicing Catholic.
Your only obligation is two fold:
remind them of their moral obligations: (once, in a charitable manner) especially in reference to:
(regular|monthly} Confession
Sunday Mass
the Ten Commandments, not suggestions : ), and
having a prayer life, and
praying for them.
One of the hardest things for a
family member to keep in mind is
that their family member's free will
is not their free will!
If my brother and sister-in-law omit
critical spiritual issues from my
niece and nephews upbringing, even
if I am the God parent of one, which
I am, I can't stop them from doing
dumb, stupid things spiritually.
I can suggest, recommend, encourage,
and pray for them, but that's it. I am not the primary educator of their children, they are — the parents.
All you can do is pray for them and
be a good Catholic witness yourself:
e.g.
living a sacramental life
praying the Rosary
wearing and talking about the
Brown Scapular
starting prayer groups that
meet on a regular based.
Many times an effective witness is
far better then someone, who is perceived
as ultra religious and who ends up
yelling or screaming at their family
members over obligatory practices,
like not going to Mass or not going
to Saturday afternoon Confession.
It can be tough, I know, but you
have to balance:
what they have to know or should
know
versus
family cohesion and unity
e.g.
being able to talk to each other in a Christianity manner.
You said: I neglected to tell you one
thing about myself that certainly
has had a major affect on who I am
today.
I was born with a cleft palate and
lip — a double whammy as far
as that is concerned. I shed all
the tears I will ever shed over this
birth defect years and years ago. I
live with it and deal with it the
best I can but the psychological
damage from it is probably a major
reason for many issues of concern
in my life. Every once in awhile,
I get angry at God about all this
and tell him so
— I don't really think He minds
though.
Severe medical issues like this can reduce
the character of the offense as stated
in CCC 1860.
IV. The Gravity of Sin: Mortal and Venial Sin.
.
. 1860Unintentional ignorance can diminish or even remove the imputability of a grave offense. But no one is deemed to be ignorant of the principles of the moral law, which are written in the conscience of every man. The promptings of feelings and passions can also diminish the voluntary and free character of the offense, as can external pressures or pathological disorders. Sin committed through malice, by deliberate choice of evil, is the gravest.
My colleague Paul wrote an excellent
reply to a questioner that dealt
with the mystery of suffering. You
may get something out of the answer:
You have provided me with some information
that I know will help me in my ongoing
struggle with the sins of the flesh.
Somehow I doubt I will ever conquer
this problem but if one doesn't put
some effort into at least trying,
the problem simply gets worse with
possible dire consequences.
When
I do fall back into this habit, I
never think of going to Holy Communion
until I've first gone to (Confession|Reconciliation).
I went to Confession yesterday and
confessed most of the same sins I've
been confessing for many years. I
have no problem going to Confession
and I always feel good inside after
being there. Unfortunately, I've
been having a lot of difficulty with the
issue of how sincerely sorry I am,
especially when I keep falling back
into committing the same sins then
confessing them over and over again.
When I say the last part of the Act
of Contrition:
"I firmly resolve with the
help of Your grace to sin no more
and to avoid the near occasions
of sin. Amen."
How truly contrite are we, if deep
inside we know we're probably going
to commit the same sins again. I
really do struggle with this,
but I still go and have hope that
the grace and Mercy of God will help
me with this struggle.
I really believe the Sacrament of
Reconciliation is a wonderful gift
from God, but I worry about those
Catholics who for whatever reason:
don't take the opportunity to go
to Confession.
are afraid to go
are lapsed Catholics, or
don't feel they need to go
Can their sins be forgiven?
What about non-Catholics and
even atheists?
I wonder how their sins are forgiven?
I can't help wonder if more is expected
of Catholics when it comes to God
forgiving our sins.
I hope to hear back from you.
Jenny
Mike
replied:
Hi Jenny,
I went back and read your initial
question and our replies and I totally
appreciate where you are coming from
as, I, like St. Augustine, am no
Mr. Chastity. Some of the same
struggles you have,
I cope with. The key is having a
healthy perceptive of the spiritual
battle that is going on
in our lives and just doing the best
we can.
1731 Freedom is the power,
rooted in reason and will,
to act or not to act, to do
this or that, and so to perform
deliberate actions on one's
own responsibility. By free
will one shapes one's own life.
Human freedom is a force for
growth and maturity in truth
and goodness; it attains its
perfection when directed toward
God, our beatitude.
1732 As long as freedom has
not bound itself definitively
to its ultimate good which
is God, there is the possibility
of choosing between good and
evil, and thus of growing in
perfection or of failing and
sinning. This freedom characterizes
properly human acts. It is
the basis of praise or blame,
merit or reproach.
1733 The more one does what
is good, the freer one becomes.
There is no true freedom except
in the service of what is good
and just. The choice to disobey
and do evil is an abuse of
freedom and leads to the
slavery of sin. (cf. Romans 6:17)
1734 Freedom makes man responsible
for his acts to the extent
that they are voluntary. Progress
in virtue, knowledge of the
good, and ascesis enhance the
mastery of the will over its
acts.
1735 Imputability
and responsibility for an
action can be diminished
or even nullified by ignorance,
inadvertence, duress, fear,
habit, inordinate attachments,
and other psychological
or social factors.
IV. The Gravity of Sin: Mortal and Venial Sin.
.
. 1860Unintentional ignorance can diminish or even remove the imputability of a grave offense. But no one is deemed to be ignorant of the principles of the moral law, which are written in the conscience of every man. The promptings of feelings and passions can also diminish the voluntary and free character of the offense, as can external pressures or pathological disorders. Sin committed through malice, by deliberate choice of evil, is the gravest.
2332 Sexuality affects all aspects of the human person in the unity of his body and soul. It especially concerns affectivity, the capacity to love and to procreate, and in a more general way the aptitude for forming bonds of communion with others.
If you are interested in more you
can read the CCC on-line. I use this
one:
You said: When I say the last part of the Act
of Contrition:
"I firmly resolve with the
help of Your grace to sin no more
and to avoid the near occasions
of sin. Amen."
How truly contrite are we, if deep
inside we know we're probably going
to commit the same sins again.
I've had the same issue on my mind
after Confession.
My solution: I just ask the
Lord in
the Confessional to give you
the grace to make a better:
"firm purpose of amendment for sins you really struggle with."
After that, hey, it's His body and
mind, not mine. As long as I am doing
the best I can and not doing dumb
things like going to Communion after enjoying
myself without first going
to Confession. I strive to say the
Rosary as well.
You said: I
really do struggle with this,
but I still go and have hope that
the grace and Mercy of God will help
me with this struggle.
No, you should still go and know that
the grace and Mercy of God will absolve
you of all your sins. As Catholics,
we have an assurance of this, not
a hope.
You said: . . . I worry about those
Catholics who for whatever reason:
don't take the opportunity to go
to Confession.
are afraid to go
are lapsed Catholics, or
don't feel they need to go
Can their sins be forgiven?
What about non-Catholics and
even atheists?
I wonder how their sins are forgiven?
I can't help wonder if more is expected
of Catholics when it comes to God
forgiving our sins.
Every one is:
responsible for what
they know and
not responsible for
what they don't know, though willful
ignorance is no excuse.
What we see in our human sexual passions,
in my opinion, is both our bodies
saying, I want to give life. Nevertheless,
this is a calling and a vocation,
not a recreational sport, hobby or
pastime. God didn't create our bodies
to work that way. Both Mary Ann and
Eric have made excellent points on
this issue in this posting.
I also use this prayer after Confession:
Lord God, you created my body
out of nothing. You created it
with all its senses: taste, touch,
sight, smell, and hearing that
come with it.
Although my mind and body may
not understand the reasoning behind
living a chaste lifestyle or by
nature be drawn away from it,
I pray you will bless my body
(make the sign of the cross over
your body) and make it chaste
according to your Divine Will.
I ask this in the name of our
Lord and Savior Jesus Christ,
the champion of chastity: Our Blessed Mother, Mary, Joseph her
most chaste spouse and St. Michael the Archangel.
Amen.
Hope this helps,
Mike
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