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I've got a very personal issue to ask about.
I've been reading up on Confession, purity,
penance, etc. in order to find an answer to
a problem I have. I'm hoping you guys may
have a more straight forward answer to a little
dilemma.
I have problems with lust when it comes to
(guys|men) in the Church. No matter if they're
old, gray or unattractive; if it's in a church,
I start getting bad, uncontrollable thoughts.
Sometimes it just starts off with a
warm, happy, love-of-God feeling, and just
keeps intensifying. I think
of myself meeting with the person and smile
a lot all day, and then it hits me — some
thing's wrong.
I know there must be a way out of any sin
and lust should have no exception. Lust has
made relationships with others in the church
so difficult that the devil has used it to
turn me away from the Church. I would rather
not go to church than have to fight with my
own mind all the time and constantly loose.
In the past, I've given in but it only served
to break my relationship with the person,
the organization, or church altogether and
I don't want this to happen again.
I spoke to my husband about it and he said
when he went through a similar thing in church,
he went to the person, apologized and asked
forgiveness, and his fantasies immediately
stopped.
Should I do that?
Should I confess this to those that I have developed
overly warm feelings for and ask forgiveness?
I'm worried that bringing it up with the person
will make the situation much worse:
they would be judging me more
wondering why I even told them,
or
wondering if I'm coming on to them or
something.
I'm also worried that not saying anything
will give the devil a much greater hold on
me, making me have to bear the struggle alone.
Will confessing it to the person set
me free or add fuel to the fire?
Secondly, why does this always happen
to me?
When I was younger I drank, partied, and kissed
the boys a lot.
Could this be why satan's using this avenue
so much with me? . . . or
Is coming close to God just naturally
like the biggest libido magnifier?
Please give me some prayers, techniques,
philosophy, teaching, insights or whatever
to help me learn how to control or overcome
this.
There's so much love and goodness in God's
Church, why does satan just want to come
and corrupt; pull down and destroy what's
divine?
Thank you very, very much for your time.
Lisa
{
How do I control my lusty thoughts for guys or men I see in church of any age these days? }
A little later Lisa followed-up:
. . . wrote:
Hi, guys —
About my question on lust I sent in a few
days ago; it seems the solution may be very
simple.
It seems the more femininely I dress, the
more sexual my own mind becomes.
On Tuesday, I went to this guy's office (I've
recently volunteered and am going to be
his Personal Assistant) and dressed
pretty unfeminine, but had nearly no
sexual thoughts going crazy and the rest
of my day (inside me) was normal.
This solution seems to be the answer to a
lot of intense prayer. I
love dressing femininely, but it's probably
not going to be so bad because I'm only going
to see him about once a week and I think I
can handle dressing boyishly for one day a
week. (It's no wonder so many bosses have
affairs with their secretaries!)
All pictures of saints show them covered
in tons of material.
How should we dress in the modern day?
I live in a place that's pretty hot in summer.
How do we deal with heat?
How can we look decent, and feminine,
without dressing like an old person?
And are there any Catholic fashion websites out there?
Thanks,
— Lisa
{
How does a Catholic woman dress during very hot days and are there Catholic fashion websites? }
Eric
replied:
Lisa —
I don't advise asking the person
for forgiveness if they are unaware
of your feelings.
Pray for people who tempt you. It
is pure love, which defeats lust.
Remember that every temptation you
encounter and rebuff for the sake
of God glorifies you in the life
to come and brings greater merit
so don't be discouraged.
Eric
Mary
Ann replied:
Lisa —
You said: All pictures
of saints show them covered in tons
of material.
How should we dress
in the modern day?
I live in a place
that's pretty hot in summer.
How do we deal
with heat?
How can we look
decent, and feminine, without
dressing like an old person?
And are there
any Catholic fashion web sites
out there?
Loose light clothing is often cooler
than skimpy clothing, and men
are more comfortable with coverage
than women.
There are some Catholic fashion sites,
but I would not recommend them. They
are unnecessary. Just dress in a
becoming and modest way.
Hope this helps,
Mary Ann
Mike
replied:
Lisa —
I've combined both your questions
into one reply.
Let's start with the basics. Praised
the Lord, all Christians have been
baptized in the name of Jesus!
What this does is remove Original
Sin from our souls.
What it doesn't do, is remove
the (strong temptations of lust or concupiscence)
that remain on the soul.
These temptations are natural and
part of what makes us human.
The best way to handle them is by living:
a sacramental live
e.g.:
frequent Confession and making
Holy Communions in a state of
grace, and
a solid daily prayer life.
The Lord through His sacraments
will strengthen you and your soul.
The fight you are referring to is
something that is a lifelong fight
and the worst thing you can do is
stay away from the Church.
If you are not properly disposed to receive Communion, say a Spiritual Communion:
Spiritual Communion
O Lord Jesus, I believe that You are present in the Most Blessed Sacrament of the Altar.
I love you above all things, (with all my mind, with all my heart, and with all my soul).
I love you because you are infinitely good and worthy of all my love.
Since I cannot receive You now sacramentally, at least come spiritually into my heart.
I embrace myself entirely to You and unite myself wholly to You.
Never permit me to be separated from You.
Come Lord Jesus and glorify Yourself through my weak, broken body.
Amen.
Whether
you receive Holy Communion or not,
every Sunday the Lord is there to
assist and guide you in the Blessed
Sacrament right from the pew. You
may not hear an audible voice, but
you may get suggestions or ideas
placed on your mind especially during
prayer.
It would be imprudent of me to give
any more pastoral advice other then
what I have said.
The best path would be to find a
priest known for his faithfulness
to the Church and Holy Father.
Make an appointment with him to talk
about your specific situation, but
above all, don't underestimate the
power of the sacraments and a daily
prayer life.
You said:
And secondly,
why does this always happen to me?
Surprise! It doesn't. You sound like
a very normal person who is combating
lustful thoughts in a sex-saturated
culture.
You said:
There's so much love and goodness in God's
Church, why does satan just want to come
and corrupt; pull down and destroy what's
divine?
That's his job! : (
. . . I'm appended some material from the
Catechism that may help answer this
portion of your
two-part question.
2520 Baptism confers on its recipient the grace of purification from all sins. But the baptized must continue to struggle against concupiscence of the flesh and disordered desires. With God's grace he will prevail:
by the virtue and gift of chastity, for chastity lets us love with upright and undivided heart;
by purity of intention which consists in seeking the true end of man: with simplicity of vision, the baptized person seeks to find and to fulfill God's will in everything; (cf. Romans 12:2; Colossians 1:10)
by purity of vision, external and internal; by discipline of feelings and imagination; by refusing all complicity in impure thoughts that incline us to turn aside from the path of God's commandments: "Appearance arouses yearning in fools"; (Wisdom 15:5)
by prayer:
I thought that continence arose from one's own powers, which I did not recognize in myself. I was foolish enough not to know . . . that no one can be continent unless you grant it. For you would surely have granted it if my inner groaning had reached your ears and I with firm faith had cast my cares on you.
(St. Augustine, Conf. 6,11,20:PL 32,729-730)
2521 Purity requires modesty, an integral part of temperance. Modesty protects the intimate center of the person. It means refusing to unveil what should remain hidden. It is ordered to chastity to whose sensitivity it bears witness. It guides how one looks at others and behaves toward them in conformity with the dignity of persons and their solidarity.
2522 Modesty protects the mystery of persons and their love. It encourages patience and moderation in loving relationships; it requires that the conditions for the definitive giving and commitment of man and woman to one another be fulfilled. Modesty is decency. It inspires one's choice of clothing. It keeps silence or reserve where there is evident risk of unhealthy curiosity. It is discreet.
2523 There is a modesty of the feelings as well as of the body. It protests, for example, against the voyeuristic explorations of the human body in certain advertisements, or against the solicitations of certain media that go too far in the exhibition of intimate things. Modesty inspires a way of life which makes it possible to resist the allurements of fashion and the pressures of prevailing ideologies.
2524 The forms taken by modesty vary from one culture to another. Everywhere, however, modesty exists as an intuition of the spiritual dignity proper to man. It is born with the awakening consciousness of being a subject. Teaching modesty to children and adolescents means awakening in them respect for the human person.
2525 Christian purity requires a purification of the social climate. It requires of the communications media that their presentations show concern for respect and restraint. Purity of heart brings freedom from widespread eroticism and avoids entertainment inclined to voyeurism and illusion.
2526 So called moral permissiveness rests on an erroneous conception of human freedom; the necessary precondition for the development of true freedom is to let oneself be educated in the moral law. Those in charge of education can reasonably be expected to give young people instruction respectful of the truth, the qualities of the heart, and the moral and spiritual dignity of man.
2527 "The Good News of Christ continually renews the life and culture of fallen man; it combats and removes the error and evil which flow from the ever-present attraction of sin. It never ceases to purify and elevate the morality of peoples. It takes the spiritual qualities and endowments of every age and nation, and with supernatural riches it causes them to blossom, as it were, from within; it fortifies, completes, and restores them in Christ." (Vatican II, Gaudium et spes 58 § 4)
In Brief
2528 "Everyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart" (Matthew 5:28).
2529 The ninth commandment warns against lust or carnal concupiscence.
2530 The struggle against carnal lust involves purifying the heart and practicing temperance.
2531 Purity of heart will enable us to see God: it enables us even now to see things according to God.
2532 Purification of the heart demands prayer, the practice of chastity, purity of intention and of vision.
2533 Purity of heart requires the modesty which is patience, decency, and discretion. Modesty protects the intimate center of the person.
On the dress issue, we had a similar question, but asked
from a more conservative view.
