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Thomas Jones wrote:

Hi, guys —

My name is Thomas and I am 19-years-old.

My father always criticizes me, curses at me, and tells me I'm no good. When I don't help him with work he always says,

"God will punish you and your life will be miserable."

He is having an affair with my mom's best friend. She isn't my real mom but I consider her my real mom because my real mom abandoned me when I was 4.

I love my father a lot but we are constantly arguing because he always makes me feel bad, puts me down, and has never told me how proud he is of me. He is always too busy with his girlfriend.

When he argues with his girlfriend, he always comes home and takes out his anger on the family and, every time I try to defend my mom, he always tells me, I shouldn't be doing that; and that my step mom isn't my real mom; that I don't have to respect her. That I am suppose to respect him or God will punish me and I will live a miserable life due to my lack of respect for him.

  • I love my dad a lot but why should I respect someone that's having an affair and is always angry?

He told me this past weekend that everybody cheats; everyone has an affair; and that I should cheat on my girlfriend because that's how its suppose to be.

My question to you is:

  • Is it a sin to stand up for my step mom and disrespect my father because of what he is doing?

According to him, I'm going to live a miserable life and die young. Every time he doesn't get what he wants, he always brings church into the conversation. My step mom goes to church every Sunday. She is a great person and she knows about the affair. He always curses at her for not giving him money and tells her, "I don't know why you are going to church because what your doing to me is a sin."

  • I just want to know if what he is saying is true?

I pray every night, asking God to please open my dad's eyes and let him see that he is destroying this family. I have three siblings that get so scared when he comes home angry. He yells, breaks stuff, and he curses at my mom. He temporarily stopped hitting her, but then tried again, but I stopped him because a man should never hit a woman.

When I do stop him, he tells me I am going to live a miserable life because of what I have done, and that I should respect him and not my step mom because she isn't my real mom.

I hope you can help answer my question.

Thomas
  { Why should I respect my father when he's having an affair and is always angry with the family? }

Mike replied:

Dear Thomas,

After reading your e-mail with questions, I was heartbroken about the family situation you are currently in.

First, it's very important that you understand several truths:

  • You, and every person born, is good, very good, and made for a specific purpose in life.
  • At age 19, there are very important things the Lord has planned for you. You can discover your calling through prayer.
  • The Lord never allows anything to happen in our lives, that He can't pull a greater good out of. (What that good is, we may not see until later.)

I don't know the nuances of your situation but the abusive behavior of your father, should be brought to the attention of someone, like a local Catholic priest or pastor. Just call the rectory and say you would like to make an appointment to talk to a priest about your family situation. They would be able to discern the appropriate actions, if any, and give you good advice and counsel, including how to deal with both your father and step mom.

You said:

  • I love my dad a lot but why should I respect someone that's having an affair and is always angry?

My question to you is:

  • Is it a sin to stand up for my step mom and disrespect my father because of what he is doing?

The fourth commandment tells us to honor our father and mother, but not their scandalous behavior and sin. You shouldn't respect his scandalous behavior, nor the verbal abuse he his giving you. Jesus tells us to love the sinner, but hate the sin.

You are honoring your father by praying for him on a daily basis; keep it up!

At the same time, the Catechism also tells us about the duties of parents. Read this posting.

Ask the Lord to bring people into his life that will help him be a better Christian.
Pray to St. Joseph, the protector of families. A simple daily prayer like:

Please St. Joseph, pray that my father starts practicing Christian values and remove the addicting vices in his life.

You said:
He told me this past weekend that everybody cheats; everyone has an affair; and that I should cheat on my girlfriend because that's how its suppose to be.

No. Everyone does not cheat and everyone does not have an affair. Your father, like many others, use this line of thinking to justify their scandalous behavior, while encouraging others to accept unchristian behavior themselves.

Personally, I would recommend praying the Rosary for him and everyone in your immediate family circle.

If you don't have one, or know what a Rosary is, just Go ogle "Free Rosaries" and have one sent to you.

I hope this helps,

Mike
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