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I basically have two issues I've been trying
to resolve for months and months.
First, my husband and I are not on the same
page when it comes to sex (he's a lot more liberal about
it). I want us to have a chaste sex life that's
in good standing with God and the Church.
We've had endless discussions, sometimes arguments,
about how to resolve this. He absolutely does
not want to change or alter his views, and
I feel the same way about mine.
Secondly, and somewhat ironically, I am having
a very difficult time trying to decipher what
belongs in a chaste lifestyle and what doesn't.
We will do some things during sex (even if
it's only for a few seconds) and I'll be questioning
the appropriateness of the act, and then afterwards,
will feel like we've done something that is
wrong, though I'm not 100% sure.
Let me help with some background:
I'm a practicing Catholic who:
attends Mass every Sunday; as well as
sometimes during the week
goes to Confession regularly
tries to pray the Rosary every day
does some spiritual reading every day, etc.
but despite researching for the answers and
praying for help (which has helped tremendously),
I still have a few unresolved battles
within myself during sex. I understand the
basic immoral acts during conjugal love, things
like anal sex, homosexual relations, oral
sex (although this one seems a little foggy
to me).
Precisely, these are the things I'm still
confused about:
Sometimes my husband wants me to play
with my breasts during sex, he finds it
gratifying to watch.
Sometimes we use a variety of positions,
some are very provocative.
Sometimes my husband will bring me to
orgasm before sex, using his hands.
Sometimes we spend a long time in foreplay,
including pleasuring each other by hand (without
bringing him to climax until we are having
sex), and
Sometimes he insists that I allow
him to perform oral sex on me.
Side note — I've considered asking a
priest these things, but I felt it could be
inappropriate for me (a woman) to ask a priest, who is trying to lead
a celibate life, such
sexual questions.
Thank you for your help!
Carol
{ While copulating with my husband are these things OK or am I being too scrupulous? }
John
replied:
Carol —
In terms of specific dos and don'ts,
the Church teaches just about anything, that
is not contraceptive, is permissible.
As far as a woman being brought to
orgasms by oral or digital stimulation,
(aside|before) intercourse, that
is perfectly fine. A woman's climax
has nothing to do with the conception.
The same obviously doesn't hold true
for a man. His wife may stimulate
him in any number of ways, but his
climax must take place during intercourse,
so as not to purposely contracept.
A married couple is pretty much free
to do as they please within those
guidelines.
I would avoid anything
that is degrading. Some couples get
into role playing scenarios
and those can easily cross the line.
Anything that pretends to be forced or
anything where the husband and wife
aren't focused on each other but
on the thrill of some outside fantasy,
falls outside the bounds of being
chaste.
Nevertheless, it sounds like what
your suggesting falls within a perfectly
healthy sex life for a married couple.
John
Paul
replied:
Dear Carol —
Your sincerity in trying not to offend
God is admirable. I would like to summarize
an answer with these moral principles:
All acts
between spouses, sexual or
non-sexual, should be motivated
and informed by love, and not
by selfishness.
One can
never separate (pleasure from
purpose) or (union from procreation).
This would mean that all intentional
sexual arousal can be enjoyed
but must end in semination
in the female reproductive
tract — in other words sexual
intercourse.
All of
the acts you specifically mention
would be okay under one condition:
that both of you consent
and that it is not displeasing
to either of you.
Your
question on oral sex would
also include all other kinds
of pre-intercourse stimulation:
that all sexual activity is
permitted as long as it is
foreplay (as mentioned in b.),
and is not displeasing to either
spouse.
If there are some permitted activities
that are pleasing to him but not
to you, and you can't seem to bring
the issue to a peaceful resolution,
then maybe it would be a good idea
to seek counseling from your priest
or from a good Catholic counselor.
Paul
John
replied:
Carol —
One last point I forgot in my previous
reply is perhaps the most important:
Sexual union between husband and
wife is a covenantal act. It actually
is the ongoing renewal of the Sacrament
of Marriage. It is Holy. It is
a total self-giving of each person
to each other.
Pope St. John Paul II wrote extensively on
this topic and the Church over recent
decades has developed much clearer
understanding of the unitive aspect
of marital relationships. It's admirable
to want to do the right thing and
it maybe better not to think of it
as a set of dos and don'ts.
Yes, there are some things couples
can't do; and we've discussed them
but it's even better to begin to
understand the sacramental nature
of your loving relationship. This
will only improve what sounds like
an already healthy love life.
As
time allows, I'd recommend you
try doing some reading on the subject.
After reading these answers, it's
making me wonder if maybe the problem
is that I haven't been realizing
the pleasure factor is OK within
the appropriate scenarios.
I'm starting to question if I should
feel guilt while feeling pleasure
during our conjugal love and mating
sessions.
Thanks again!
Carol
Mike
replied:
Dear Carol —
I forget the name of the priest but in the 90s, I watched an EWTN program by a bearded priest on an EWTN series program. Paraphrasing from what he said (and how I replied in other answers):
You see, God created both man and woman, with a kind of hierarchy of
pleasures to be used according to His Divine Providence.
Used in the way that the Lord has ordained for both men and women, pleasure is not only OK and very good, but intentionally built into both men and women.
When our Lord created us, he attached certain types of pleasure to things we do.
What am I talking about?
Well, whether you are at work or at home, I am sure there are a number of times you have to go to the bathroom during the day and it has nothing to do with grooming yourself. In our family we call this:
Taking a mother nature break.
I don't think there is one reader of this web posting that will disagree that there is a big pleasure in taking a mother nature break.
Why is pleasure attached to going to the bathroom?
Because if we didn't go to the bathroom, the toxins in our waste would kill us and we would die.
How about eating and drinking?
Surely everyone will agree that, for most of us, this is a pleasurable activity.
Why?
Because if we didn't eat or drink, over time, we would die.
What we see during our daily lives are various levels of pleasures attached to certain activities that both men and women do, including:
hugging our (boyfriend|girlfriend|husband|wife) during a date.
holding our (boyfriend|girlfriend|husband|wife's) hand during a date.
petting our (boyfriend|girlfriend|husband|wife) during a date.
getting our back or feet rubbed by our (boyfriend|girlfriend|husband|wife)
kissing our (boyfriend|girlfriend|husband|wife)
Of all the pleasures attached to all the activities we do, probably the greatest pleasure is that of sexual activity.
Why?
Because it has the potential each time to bring a new life, with an immortal soul, into the world!!
A new life made in the image and likeness of God, made for a specific purpose in life.
Make sense?
Mike
Anonymous Bravo commented:
HI, guys —
In his initial reply to Carol, John said: As far as a woman being brought to orgasms by oral or digital stimulation, (aside | before) intercourse, that is perfectly fine. A woman's climax has nothing to do with the conception.
The Catholic Post says it is not allowed.
What gives??
Help!!
Bravo
John replied:
Dear Bravo —
I stand by my answer.
John
Paul replied:
I'd just like to throw in my two cents on Bravo's comment and the question:
As far as a woman being brought to orgasms by oral or digital stimulation, (aside | before) intercourse, that is perfectly fine.
Since some people may find the above parenthetical term 'aside/before' a little ambiguous, let me try to apply reason to it. Manual stimulation of the wife — as foreplay — is fine. It helps ready the body for intercourse. It seems to be fine also after intercourse, particularly if the wife has not yet climaxed.
Assisting in this can be seen as an integral part of the marital act however I question whether manual stimulation to orgasm of a wife completely aside from, or unrelated to the marital act, is moral. This seems more to be simply an act of masturbation rather than an integral part of the marriage act.
Paul
John replied:
Hi, Paul —
That's fine. I can see your point.
Actually, I probably meant to write "(before or after) intercourse" as opposed to "(aside|before)".
John
Bob replied:
Dear Bravo,
It could be that the Catholic Post was reacting to the notion of this kind of stimulation apart from the coital context, which would be prohibited.
Secondly, it is errant to suggest the women's orgasm has nothing to do with fertility and conception — with God there are no accidents, only designs.
Science has shown that the female orgasm aids the movement of sperm by a spasm of the cervix, which dips into the pool of sperm at its base, thereby aiding its journey, thus increasing fertility.
Also, the orgasm releases hormones that aid in the bonding between spouses, not to mention the satisfaction of the release of sexual tension and discomfort. It is simply part of God's plan and not providing women to have this release during lovemaking, is essentially leaving her incomplete and that is not good for marriage.
So, all acts of sex must be:
in the marital and coital context
be open to life and
use common sense, dignity and fundamental love.
Peace,
Bob Kirby
John replied:
Bob,
Thanks for clarifying the biology with respect to the female orgasm assisting in conception.
The point I was making is that a female orgasm doesn't cause ovulation and therefore needn't occur during intercourse so if a woman is stimulated to orgasm prior to, or post intercourse, it's not inherently contraceptive, as it would be if a male reaches climax outside of orgasm.
